Monday, August 16, 2010

Depression Sets In...

Office @ Work


I'm beginning to hate my office more and more each day. The people, the work and the environment. I just hate them. What else can I say? I used to like what I was doing. I used to think that it was so much fun. I used to look forward to work so very much. But now? What is there for me to look forward to? Criticism? Sarcasm? I used to thought it was alright. I used to take it as it was but up to this point, do you think I should leave it and let him say what pleases him? Oh No No...that shouldn't be the case. My level of tolerance and patience is very low and I snap easily at the slightest annoyance. Its so freaking annoying when someone thinks that you don't deserve to be around anymore and then tells it to your face and worst still, to laugh it off as though its a funny little joke. Well, does he ever consider how the person might feel? Not only de-motivated but the feeling of hatred towards that person was building inside of me. I really hate him. I really do. Seriously! I wished I could make him feel sorry for what he did so that he doesn't have to pretend that nothing happened. But anyway, on the brighter side of things, I've seek help from my ex fiance, Brian, who is in Singapore to actually look for a job for me. It doesn't have to be high postioned, just as long as I can leave this misery behind and start a brand new life somewher far. But actually, I was looking at maybe being a legal consultant or it could be just the same job as what I am right now. Whatever it is, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and am hoping to hear some good news from Brian real soon...


Honeymoon @ Maldives


I was browsing through this website,http://www.visitmaldives.com/en this evening, trying to collect more information on where I'm headed this December with my husband for our honeymoon. But well, way before this, I have always dreamt of visiting Maldives for my honeymoon. Its just that I've never thought that my dreams would actually come through. Cole actually agreed to spend a week for our honeymoon in Maldives, right after our wedding on Christmas Eve. Meaning that we'll be spending Christmas, Boxing Day and New Years Day in Maldives. Woohoo!! So going back to my story, I was browsing for the accomodation when I remembered that I once read in a magazine that there was an underwater restaurant somewhere in Maldives, and if I was not mistaken, it was in Hilton. So after spending some time looking through the website, I finally found the resort, http://conradhotels1.hilton.com, Conrad Hotels & Resorts,Rangali Island. Yeah, the one and only underwater restaurant in the world. So my first thought was, let's just book the room before everything goes. Sadly, when I tried to search for any available rooms, nothing came up. So, I immediately rang the hotel and was told that there were fully booked for Christmas. Imagine how I felt at that point in time! All just dropped. The mood for honeymoon just disapperared. Tears came trickling down my cheeks. I
was just so down. How could they not have any more rooms left? Its still 4 months till Christmas. And all I need is a little room by the corner. That's all. I was so lost at that moment. And then Cole came up with his so called bright idea. "Honey, we can still go to Maldives. Let's just stay in another resort." Yeah Yeah..I'm fine with this idea but the feeling would be so different, you know! Before this, I had pictured a perfect dining experience with the fishes and sharks. But now, back to ZILCH! So, basically, its back to square one. And now, I have like a few places to visit. Perhaps Barbados? or Aruba? or Seychelles? or Bora-Bora Island? or maybe Hawaii? What say you...


My Best Friend @ James


I came home today at about 6.00pm, sat on my couch, staring into space and then suddenly the thoughts of my best friend, James, came flashing through my mind. I suddenly felt lonely. I felt as though I had no one to speak to, no one to rely on after James's death. I remembered that I used to spill everything out to James, the good and the bad, the happy moments and the despair. And he would listen and listen and listen. And then he would tell me to forget about the past and move on. And then he would tell me that I should be happy. And then I would forget about those sad moments. And then we would speak of our trips together, here and there, to Switzerland, to Greece, to Norway...all those wonderful and silly moments. I really missed him. I used to have a friend that I could speak to without any worries but now, I have nothing. I have him in my memory. I think of him all the time. But lately, he's been in my mind so often. I often wondered too, what if he was alive today, would both of us be married right now? Or would I still be married to Cole? And imagine how James would feel for me if he knew that I've found a man in my life? Would he be happy for me? But I know for sure that he'll be happy for me. Moreover, he would be overjoyed if he knew that I was going to adopt her daughter and bring her with me to the States. You know what, everytime I see her, it reminded me of him. I only wished he was still alive to see what I've achieved today...James oh James, I really missed you so much! :(

Undecided (Part 2)



Undecided (Part 1)



Saturday, August 14, 2010

Oops!!




Guess its true when people speak of 'justice' or 'whatever comes around will eventually come around'. Today, I got mine, alright. After 6 months of waiting, I finally got my share of justice. Patience is everything. Seriously, all I did was to sit and wait but I never thought it would come so soon.

Anyway, here's what happened today...

I got a call at about 3.00am this morning. Its not the first time I'm getting this, trusts me. Those sleepless nights, those rude awakenings I've been receiving for the past weeks. So let's say I thought it was the same old person on the line. But luckily it wasnt. It was Charlene on the line. Well, Charlene is actually Brian's wife. Yeah, Brian Anthony, my Ex. I know I'm supposed to actually hate him or her, but somehow over the months of knowing her, we eventually became friends and close friends, closer and closer until at one point, we were sharing intimate stuff. Like how close friends or you can say best friends share secrets. I remembered once, about a month ago, she told me about this one guy she met and that she was so happy with him. I just never thought that she would leave everything to be with him. So anyway, going back to the story, what happened was she called me up this morning and told me she was getting a divorced. And obviously, the spouse was Brian, my Ex. She did mentioned that I was the first to know and she would call him today. My gosh, in my head, I was thinking, why on earth would you do such a thing? And why must you put me in such a situation. Why oh why did you call me first? You know its like, I'm not the one you're divorcing. Call him. Call Brian! But on the other hand, I was on all smiles. I was like justice is served at last! And I won! And I deserved to be happy!

But when I looked back at the past, I soon realized that well, you guys were never meant for one another. You never liked him, he never liked you and you both were brought together by your parents. You were forced into this marriage. You both were living in hell for the past 6 months, though it did affect me indirectly for the past few months after Feb. But yeah, as I remembered, Brian continued working in Singapore after his wedding and she remained in Ireland as well. Strange but true. And I knew all these while that Brian was never happy from this marriage. The nights he used to call me on the phone, the long chats, the comments on Facebook. It still showed that he missed me. And I did somehow missed him too at that time. But not wanting to break a relationship, I took a step back and moved on, and never looked back.

So, should I say that I've regretted this? To be honest, yes and no. Yes because I love Brian, seriously and honestly, I've always loved him with all my heart even after the split. I don't know why. I never understood too. But I didn't want to open up to him, or to show him how I felt. It would just show that I'm weak. Although he did open up his feelings to me every now and then. But if not for him leaving me behind, I wouldn't have met Cole, the man I'm going to marry. So, No, I don't really regret my decision at one point. That's the worst part, the pros and cons of being the third party in a relationship. Err, well actually, I'm not the third party but Charlene is.

But anyway, I felt his pain actually. I saw that him changing his status in Facebook from Married to Single. Awww..and he was avoiding me the whole night. I could picture it in my head, the moment she rang him and told him about the divorce. How devastated he could have been or rather, did he in his right mind thought it was INDEPENDENCE DAY for him once again or maybe that I would give him a second chance? In his dreams, that's all I can say. The past is the past and there's no looking back unless......

Friday, July 23, 2010

Because You Call Me A Friend - A Beautiful Poem By Raymond Juan


I will give you a big hug anytime,
Because you call me a friend.

I will hold your hand when you need it held,
Because you call me a friend.

I will wipe away your tears when you cry,
Because you call me a friend.

I will make you smile when you are down,
Because you call me a friend.

I will help you up when you stumble,
Because you call me a friend.

I will listen when nobody else will listen,
Because you call me a friend.

I will not judge you,
Because you call me a friend.

And when you are mean to me, I will forgive you,
Because you call me a friend.

My friend, you are my crutch when I cannot walk, my eyes when I cannot see through the smoke, my ears when I cannot hear the truth.

THAT'S WHY I'M YOUR FRIEND

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lost without You - Delta Goodrem


I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
You might say a little righteous and too proud
I just want to find a way to compromise
Cos I believe that we can work things out

I thought I had all the answers never giving in
But baby since you've gone I admit that I was wrong

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'm
lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blues
Baby I'm so lonely all the time
Everywhere I go I get so confused
You're the only thing that's on my mind

Oh my beds so cold at night and I miss you more each day
Only you can make it right no I'm not too proud to say

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'm
lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

If I could only hold you now and make the pain just go away
Can't stop the tears from running down my face
Oh

All I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lie
How am I going to be strong without you I need you by my side
If we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'm
lost without you
I keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

Monday, June 14, 2010

Jesus Take The Wheel - Danny Gokey


RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 25 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Fall in Love - Richard Clayderman

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Paparazzi - Lady Gaga

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I Love You - Thai Band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Aku Cinta Padamu - Siti Nurhaliza

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Glory of Love - Peter Cetera

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Crazy - Aerosmith

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Solitaire - Richard Clayderman

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
The Way You Make Me Feel - Ronan Keating

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Your Heart My Heart - Nicholas Teo

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
If Tomorrow Never Comes - Garth Brooks

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I Wanna Hold Your Hand - The Beatles

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Tell Him - Celine Dion & Barbara Streisand

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
You Belong to Me - Taylor Swift

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
White Horse - Taylor Swift

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Belaian Jiwa - Innuendo

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Nothing on You - B.O.B

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Meet Me Halfway - Black Eye Peas

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
How Deep is Your Love - Take That

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Hurt - Christina Aguilera

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
You Raise Me Up - Westlife

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Jesus Take The Wheel - Danny Gokey

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

To My Love...



You're my man, my mighty king,
And I'm the jewel in your crown,
You're the sun so hot and bright,
I'm your light-rays shining down,

You're the sky so vast and blue,
And I'm the white clouds in your chest,
I'm a river clean and pure,
Who in your ocean finds her rest,

You're the mountain huge and high,
I'm the valley green and wide,
You're the body firm and strong,
And I'm a rib bone on your side,

You're an eagle flying high,
I'm your feathers light and brown,
You're my man, my king of kings,
And I'm the jewel in your crown.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award


This time I dpt award from Nikki

Here are the rules to accept the award :

1. Thank & link the person that gave you the award.

Thank you Nikki. *sorry ambil lambat. just had the time to blog recently*

2. Pass this award onto 15 bloggers you’ve recently discovered and think are fantastic (sorry,tak jumpa 15 bloggers)

Farihah
Kak Ida
Lela
Rozaini
Peter McChris
Razak Rahim

3. Contact said Blogs and let them know they’ve won the award

4. State 7 things about yourself.

a) I stand at 5ft 9'
b) My dream wedding is a beautiful garden wedding set in Capri Island
c) I love Brown Cole Bartolomeo
d) I love my daughter, Chary Bartolomeo
e) I love Italian food; spaghetti, pizza, lasagna etc..
f) My dream honeymoon destination : Maldives
g) I dream of wearing Vera Wang's designs during my wedding

Sekian

Friday, May 28, 2010

HIM..my one and only

I'm BACK...& in LURVE

Yeay! The coast is clear. The sky has cleared. And I'm back to my usual self. My usual bubbly 'cute' self. Oops, I meant HAPPY. I can laugh as loud as I want now that its all over. But what can I say, it has been a terrible month for me. Hmmph..not a month but a month and a half ever since the split. It has been a sad and emotional departure for both of us, I guess. Or maybe he thought it would be better off with her but I guessed it turned out sour as well.(I noticed it in FB. Ever since that Comment by him that day, she has never commented on any of his findings after that)..Thank you GOD for what you have done and for what you have given me, my FRIENDS.

Let me list down the names of those who really helped me through this period of time :

i) Ida Rodz - for the calls and text messages late at night despite her being so busy with shifting homes.

ii) Kak Far - for bbm-ing me and asking how I was without getting bored.

iii) Diane - for bbm-ing and ym-ing me every morning, except weekends and for accompanying me during lunch everyday.

iv) Nad - for accompanying me on road trips and getting lost in putrajaya.

But guys, I'm fine and I'm BACK.

And I'm a new person now. I'm a brand new woman now ready to move on with my life. In fact I have. I have fallen deeply in love with someone and I wish to spend my lifetime with him. Like I said, I wanna grow old with him and die lying in his arms. I want to wake up beside him everyday, look into his eyes, give him a simple kiss on his lips and tell him how much I love him. I just want to live a simple life with him, the only man I will ever love forever, besides my father of course. I feel so lucky. I feel so blessed. I feel that GOD has answered my prayers and has guided me with his grace into finding such a wonderful man. Words cannot describe how I really feel towards him but time will tell and my marriage to him will show how happy I really am. And oh, did I mention I have a daugher. Her name's Chary and she's 6 and I am really excited to be her 'mommy'. Seriously...its so fun to have a daughter, whom I can pamper with dresses and dolls. Well basically, he calls himself my Husband, so naturally I am his Wife, right? Hehehehe...and he says he has a surprise for me when he comes down to KL and that I must not say NO to it. I think I can guess whats in store for me. I think he's gonna PROPOSE...OMG!!

Naturally, I will not say NO to this man. He knows that. But let's just JUAL MAHAL a bit here and say MAYBE. Hahahaha...Nah! If he actually proposes, I'll just say YES and move on with it. Leave everything behind and start my life all over again in Cleveland. Its wonderful, come to think of it. Not everyone gets a chance to rebuild their life in a new country, ya know. Sometimes when I sit back to think, I cant believe that everything is moving so fast now. If I was still with my Ex (you guys know who..), I think I wouldnt be where I am today. I would still be in DATING status or IN A RELATIONSHIP status (as in FB) instead of MARRIED. And I wouldnt get the chance to migrate to another country (coz he thinks that Msia is so cool..). And yeah, I wouldnt have a daughter yet (coz he's just not ready for one). Geez..life is short. You should learn to accept responsibilities and move on man,A! You dont ask someone out or tell them you're here by SMS or BBM!! And especially when that person is your GF! Can you imagine that he BBMs me when he's outside my door and sometimes when I'm in the shower, he'll wait like an ASS for 30 minutes. How dumb is this!! If he calls, I would have heard the phone ring, wouldnt I?

And he only SMSes or BBM when he has something to say. When he's occupied with his stuff, you're just as good as dead to him. Now looking back, how foolish was I back then? He's nothing compared to Brown C.B. He e-mails me everyday without fail to say how much he loves me. He gets online everyday just to speak to me, without fail and thats the truth coz I've got proof. I have all his e-mails stored in my Blackberry and you can see that the dates were consistent. And that is why I love him so much and not A anymore!! Thats the past!! And here's to my future with Brown and Chary. I miss him so much already though we spoke a while ago. He's on a flight to Rome now, to visit his mother and to sign some papers. Then he's off to KL again to be with me. Its just another week alone and my husband is here...Pfftt!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

So What!??



And so you decided to ring me up after months of silence.
And so you decided to say 'Hi Trinity. How are you,baby?"
And so you expected me to reply you in a sweet and loving way.

But when you had realized that I would never change or go soft anymore.

You changed your ways.
You changed your approach.
And you changed your tone of voice.

And so you told me that you're getting married.
And so you told me her name is Tiffany.
And so you told me she was a girl from your hometown back in Dublin.
A very old friend of yours, or shall I call it childhood lovers.
And so you said, 'Please come to my wedding in Singapore'.
And so you hoped that I would start crying and crumble to the floor
Or even to drop my phone and then grow weak and start begging you to come home.
And so you expected me to say something....

'So what?' was all I said
So what if you are getting married?
So what? It has nothing to do with me.
We were officially through on valentines day this year.
So what if her name is Tiffany and she's a white chick from Dublin.
So what?
I couldnt care less or shall I say give a damn about this.

And so you changed your ways again.
And so you told me not to be sad and that I will find someone soon.

Well guess what?
I have found him!
I have found the man of my dreams.
The man I am going to spend my lifetime with.
And the man that is worth my time.

So, so what if you're getting married,Brian.
I am getting married too!!

- Written by Trinity 2.06am 03/04/2010

Monday, March 22, 2010

Thank You

Sayu terpisah
hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
berhembus angin rindu
begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu
hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari
kau pergi.. pergi..
sepi tanpa kata
terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa
apa pun kata mereka
biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia..

How sad can a song be when you actually listen to its words and then try your very best to relate it to your life? How much tears it would bring you when you associate the lyrics to your miserable life? Well, it did. I cried listening to this song, while relating my life to it, to all the sad relationships I had. It made me wonder what it would be like if I were to stay happy.

A song dedicated to the men in my life : Ajantha, Rafayel, Steven, Mark, Harvey, Andy and Brian.

If only things had worked out for us, where would we be today? Where would we stand this very moment? How happy would I be? But when you're just about to dream of those good old times, someone had to yell your name from afar and wake you up. Wake you up and made you realize that it was just a dream. A dream that will never come true. And then, at the end, you're just sitting at the corner of the room, typing your miserable story online.

Saying Goodbye is not that bad. Sometimes, in fact, it will make you move forward. Move on with your life. Its no point sulking over spoilt milk. Its just a life. Your life. And if you dont learn to appreciate what you have in front of you, then one fine day, you will find yourself in an empty room, all alone. And you find yourself so small in this world. Or to put in other words, the world is just too big for you.

Andy, you woke me up last night. You were the voice inside my head all these while. You finally made me realize who I was. What a monster I was. Perhaps, through your eyes, I am one. An evil one eyed monster. I never knew. I never knew till last night when you finally broke your silence. And I often thought you were my friend. A friend who cared. A friend who loved me. But I guess, no human in this world could keep such a big secret right? Well, at least you didn't. But do you know that you had hurt me so bad? Bad enough to cause me so much pain and misery? You made me lose a friend. And not only that. He was a friend I loved so dearly and will never hurt till the day I die. What you said yesterday made me feel like I was being run over by a trailer. You made me feel lifeless. You made me feel naked.

But thank you Andy.

Those are the only words I can say to you. Thank you for opening my eyes to this cruel world. And not forgetting, thank you for making me feel useless and unappreciated...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Scandaling Made Easy


Some one had asked me a few hours ago how I was so lucky when it comes to men. Well, I don't think myself as lucky but I do have the courage to go for it if I really want that person. How can I be lucky when I have two failed engagements? Well, not exactly two, maybe one coz the first one, I had actually dumped him. Well, dumped him for the second one and only to find out that the second one isn't really the guy for me. So it was a mutual understanding that we both should walk our separate paths. So,I guess the count stands at one at the moment.

Well, my friend's question had actually brought me back 6-7 years ago when I was still in college...

I was a real bitch when I was in the early 20s', all alone in Kuala Lumpur, had complete freedom, and most importantly BROKE. Well, I used to keep up with the trend back then, always shopping, skipping classes just to go shopping. So, I was usually broke by 10th of the month, not counting that I had to pay my rent of RM250. At that
point, food was not a big deal. If I didn't have money to eat, it didn't matter. I would skip meals just so that I would have money for clothes. It wasn't easy then. And then came the real deal. A friend from college asked me if I was keen on making more money and who would resists right! And soon I was hooked up to an American, in his 50s', a businessman, who travels to Malaysia once in every three months. Fortunately enough, we clicked. And then came the luxurious lifestyle. Its like a package, really! A luxurious condominium in the heart of KL was mine (actually he rented it out for me), I was driving a Cefiro (he had rented it for me as well), and an allowance of RM3000 was mine to spend. Just what a girl like me needed! Owh, did I forget to mention that he had paid my college fees and exams as well? And then settled off my loan with PTPTN? How could I resists such an offer right? And besides I have all the freedom in the world. He didn't really care what I was doing or who I was seeing when he was not around. Just as long as when he's down for a week, I'm there. But undeniably, sex was a topic then. I mean, obviously he had wanted something from his investment right? You can say I was sort of his 'mistress' in Malaysia but the way I see it, he's just like a 'Sugardaddy'. Our relationship had gone on for about 3 years before he retired and went back to USA. By then, I had graduated and was living on my own. So, that was it. It had ended just like this, or at least that was what I had thought. But somewhere in 2006, or was it 2005 year end, he contacted me. He said he was coming down to KL with his wife for a holiday and had wanted to meet me. I immediately froze! OMG!! Did his wife find out about it? And they're here now looking for me? But in the end we met. Me, him and his wife, Marcia. A lovely lady indeed. Sweet old lady. He introduced me as Trinity, his 'god-daughter' in Malaysia. God daughter? Huh? Since when? Hahahaha... That night, we had dinner at a restaurant called Fisherman's Cove. It's in Feast Village @ Starhill Gallery. Sometimes, when I look at the photos we took that night, it reminded me of the GOOOD times I had with him, as in my 'god father'. I hadn't heard from him after that night but lately in 2008, he sent me an e-mail. Probably he was trying to contact my mobile but had failed (coz I had changed my number then). He asked how I was and whether I was married bla..bla..bla..and he did mention about his newly born grandson, Mikey and how busy he was looking after the baby. Though he didn't say if he was going to
come to KL but never the less, we still kept in contact till today. He still sends Mikey's photos over and photos of himself and his family and sometimes, I do send my photos over as well. Probably he got a shock after seeing my photos. Imagine the difference of how I look 7 years ago, the pussycat doll look and how I look today...
That was the story I told my friend just now. Guess no one knew who I was 7 years ago! But I was a bitch, you can say that.


But let's just say, if you're looking for a SCAN, or if you've marked your target, then you should go for it! I mean, why should you be afraid of rejection? If he says no, then move on. He's just a stranger. After this, you wouldn't even see him at all. But if you do somehow meet him again, then its called FATE. Well, generally, I was
referring to picking up a man in the mall or public areas. Not those in the office where you meet everyday. So, recently, I made a move on a man in KLCC. A real cool move and it was quite a hit actually.

Let me share my experience here...

I was actually passing by KLCC, to the exact Marks & Spencer, and the cookies there are just simply irresistable.

So, I had to go in and get a few packs for myself, of course. Eventually I went in, browse through some dresses, coz they have big sizes available, tried on some shoes, tested some perfumes, run my hands through some silky bras, and there he was!! This gorgeous looking white man, tall, built, charming. Simply charming!! So being a professional in this, as in collecting SCANS, I walked across to the men's area, I didn't notice that I had actually walked into the briefs and boxers section. In my head, I was like DARN!! I couldnt have possibly get him to do this! Then, HAH, thank GOD, I turned and saw some ties hanging there. Phew!! By then, he was walking towards
me. I had to make my move. Otherwise, it would be a disaster. So, I had this confused look and was examining the tie I had pulled from the rack. And so I said, "Excuse me, do you mind lending me a hand here?" He looked confused at first but still walked towards me. I gave him the sweetest smile ever. And so he said.

He : Sorry, but I dont work here.
Me : I know. I just need help in choosing a tie. I'm trying to buy a tie for my friend and well, I can't decide on the colour. And I saw you for afar. You looked like you have taste in fashion.

We both laughed. He then picked up a purple tie and handed to me.

Me : If you dont mind, can I try it on you? Just to see how it looks.

He agreed and turned. And there I was, tying the tie around his neck, like how a wife would do for her man. Such a romantic scene when I look back and think bout it. Perfect!! The tie was perfect on him. And at least I know that would be his choice.

Me : Thank you err..I'm Lynn. What's your name?
He : I'm Brian.

I froze for a moment. How could he have the same name as that IDIOTIC Ex of mine!! Argh..!!! I was going to say Goodbye Brian. I don't like you now because of your name. But that sounded silly, isn't it? But then, it would be a pity to let a gorgeous hunk like him slip through my fingers. But his voice had brought me back.

He : Hello Lynn. Are you alright?
Me : Yeah I'm fine. Thank you Brian
He : So, are you buying this tie? Is it for a special someone?
Me : No, its just a friend, that's all. His birthday is coming up actually.
He : Right, ok!

Right then, I knew I had to jump straight in before the opportunity vanishes.

Me : So, are you here for business or leisure?
He : Business actually. I travel to Malaysia all the time, like every month for about a week.
Me : Owh. So Brian, how can I contact you? I mean, I just want to ask you out for a drink, to thank you for your help today.

He then took out his namecard and handed it to me. Ohh!! A Canadian! Excellent!

Me : But, this is your canadian cellphone right? How can I contact you in KL?
He : I'm at C*** Midvalley. Call the hotel and look for me, Brian *****, room 18**

Yes!! At that moment, I felt like hugging myself and congratulating myself for this grand victory!! Yes! I did it!! And so I bought the tie, wrapped it up nicely and placed it in a nice paperbag. On Friday morning, I called the hotel and looked for him, asked him out to dinner just around the mall. So, after work, I rushed home to
change and headed down to meet him. We had dinner at the hotel cafe that night and well, when it was the perfect moment, I gave the tie to him.

He : I thought it was for your friend.
Me : Yeah it was for my friend but I THINK IT LOOKS BETTER ON YOU (Ladies, please take note of this AYAT POWER)

He blushed a little and then thanked me for the present. The night was long. Dinner, a lil chit chat, and we ended up in the cinema at The Gardens. I left the hotel at around 11pm that night with the intetion of getting in touch with him again tomorrow or soon, but of course before he leaves on Sunday. But then, my EX, Brian had to create a commotion that night and had forced me to fly down to Singapore to settle this SHIT!! Damn you BRIAN ANTHONY!!

So this is my story, ladies. Take it as an experience that I wanna share with you. My life, my story and my ideas on how to hook a man. Like I told my friend just now, I may compile my life stories and then write a book when I'm 60. The title should be "Scandling for DUMMIES" or "Scandaling Made Easy - Quick Tips on How to Get YOUR Ideal
MAN"..Hahahahaha

Ladies, look out for this book alright, written by mua, Trinity Tan, 35 years from now. And make sure it hits the NY Bestsellers List!!

The most important thing is BODY LANGUAGE. You have to show that you're not interested but you are interested. You know what I mean? Hahahaha..Its confusing but you have to try. Never show a man that you're desperate for his attention but at the same time, you want his attention. Dont get what I mean? I'll elaborate more in my next posting...keep reading guys

Friday, March 5, 2010

Tell Him...


This song is dedicated to my dearest friend (you know who you are), who is truly madly deeply in love with someone right now.

Though I'm also in this situation as I'm too afraid to commit to a relationship myself, fearing the worst. But what's the worst that could happen to me? I've been through a lot lately. So what else has GOD laid down to test me?

So, should I? Should I TELL HIM?

"I'm scared
So afraid to show I care
Will he think me weak
If I tremble when I speak
Oooh - what if
There's another one he's thinking of
Maybe he's in love
I'd feel like a fool
Life can be so cruel
I don't know what to do

I've been there
With my heart out in my hand
But what you must understand
You can't let the chance
To love him pass you by

Chorus: Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
Hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Touch him
With the gentleness you feel inside
Your love can't be denied
The truth will set you free
You'll have what's mean to be
All in time you'll see

I love him
Of that much I can be sure
I don't think I could endure
If I let him walk away
When I have so much to say
(Repeat Chorus)

Love is light that surely glows
In the hearts of those who know
It's a steady flame that grows
Feed the fire with all the passion you can show
Tonight love will assume its place
This memory time cannot erase
Your faith will lead love where it has today.

Never let him go..."

P/S : Dear Friend, we shall sing this song together one day. But if only I have the voice of Celine or Barbara.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Uwem Akpan - Say You're One of Them


My Book Club Selection for February 2010

About the BOOK :
Each story in this jubilantly acclaimed collection pays testament to the wisdom and resilience of children, even in the face of the most agonizing circumstances.

A family living in a makeshift shanty in urban Kenya scurries to find gifts of any kind for the impending Christmas holiday. A Rwandan girl relates her family’s struggles to maintain a facade of normalcy amid unspeakable acts. A young brother and sister cope with their uncle’s attempt to sell them into slavery. Aboard a bus filled with refugees—a microcosm of today’s Africa—a Muslim boy summons his faith to bear a treacherous ride across Nigeria. Through the eyes of childhood friends the emotional toll of religious conflict in Ethiopia becomes viscerally clear.

Uwem Akpan's debut signals the arrival of a breathtakingly talented writer who gives a matter-of-fact reality to the most extreme circumstances in stories that are nothing short of transcendent.

My Views :
There are 4 amazing stories in this book. And each story left me in tears. I felt the pain and suffering of these children. It is so real. Its as if the characters are alive and you feel them right in front of you. You want to help them but how? I cried after reading this book. From the first page till the very last page. I feel blessed that I'm in a safe place and that I never had to endure this pain. But what about the children in this book? It made me wonder, if the characters were real, then where are they today? How are they? Are they still alive? These questions have been haunting me for days. Is Maisha still a prostitute? Or has she found her freedom? Are Hadiya and Selam still friends till this very day? Would it have a different effect if the narrator was an adult? I mean, these stories were written from a child's point of view. Some questions left unanswered...

But this book is a MUST read for all booklovers. Its also Oprah's Book Club Selection of 2009 and also one of NY's Best Sellers. Its on sale at MPH Bookstores for RM59.90 only.

A New Man in My Life..Tom Apotolaski


I had the best V-day ever this year. Its not about the flowers, presents or expensive meals. I hate those kind of stuff. To me, its like, every day could be V-day. So why should you spend extra on the same thing when you can get it the next day. Its so geeky. I mean, if the guy were to buy you something expensive on V-day, does it mean he will not buy you anything else of the same value throughout the rest of the year? What is so special about V-day anyway? Well, V-day is all about love. So, why don't you just spend the day with your loved one rather than spend unnecessary money on flowers,which will die eventually. Or even gifts, which will break of spoil in time to come or even expensive meals, which will be flushed out of the system the next day. Why not give her memories that she will never forget for the rest of her life? But I don't mean to give her what Brian had given me,just two days before V-day but that will leave a scar in me for the rest of my life. But you know, something romantic and memorable.

I had my share of good V-day last night. Being all alone here in Athens, I thought it'd be just an ordinary day. But it started off slow alright. I spent almost two hours getting dressed that morning. I didn't know why. The outfits just didn't match, that's all. It was a slow slow day and I can sense it. Then I spent the next hour checking my e-mails and facebook before Irene came knocking on my door. She told me that she had to pick her cousin up from the airport later that evening and that I had to tag along. But she did miss out something pretty important. That her cousin was MALE, in fact, a good looking one, I must say :P

Tom Apotolaski, ahh..such a charming man. Only thirty-two, the perfect age for my dream man, currently working and residing in New Zealand. My gosh! The sound of New Zealand made my day. I mean, thats the place I want to spend the rest of my life in, if I could. The green green grass of NZ, the cows and the cool breeze would be the perfect spot for my writing. And most importantly, he's SINGLE!! Maybe it was Irene all these while. She had wanted to play matchmaker, I guess. But I wouldn't mind at all if he wouldn't mind it himself. At one glance, he was perfect. No complaints. But I guess, I'm not going to rush into making any stupid decisions again after what happened. But come to think of it, what if I lose him? coz of my laid-back attitude? Let's not think of this coz its just been like less than twenty-four hours since I met him. How could I have fallen in love with him so fast? I just don't want to sound desperate or look pathetic. Let's just say, I played on for the rest of the evening.

So, we brought him to his hotel, which was across the street to my hotel. I really didn't expect much from him. Probably coz I was amazed by his appearance or the way he carries himself. But there is one thing that gave me the WOW effect. It was his affection towards children. He loves children. I can see it through his eyes and the way he treats Danish, his nephew. So much love. So much attention. I just loved it. It made my mind wander a while. Reality check!! Hello..this guy hasn't even made his move, and here I am dreaming of our wedding and our family. So after Tom got his room keys, we both left the hotel. Irene had walked me back to the hotel and asked if I would like to join her for dinner. Remembering that it was V-day, I said no. I didn't want to disturb her date with her husband. No way. I'm just too shy to dine with them. So, we parted for the night and she said she would pick me up at 11am the next day, where we would be heading to Santorini Island.

After we parted, I got back to my room, showered and went down to the supermarket down the street to get some food for dinner. You know, being single and alone in a stranger's land, what else could I expect? Tom to suddenly appear right in front of me and ask me out to dinner that night? This is so insane. But lets just say, I did bumped into Tom at the supermarket. My face was as read as the chinese lantern hanging at the door of the supermarket. I have never felt this way before. But you may never guess what followed suit. Tom has asked me to dine with him. But, in the hotel room. And obviously, I chose my room coz it was overlooking the Mediterranean Sea and that we can hear the cool breeze and the sound of the ocean at night. So the date was set. 8pm. My room at the Hilton Hotel.

It was the perfect night all right. We both sat on the floor at the balcony, having takeouts and wine. Chatting away, talking about our miserable lives, and enjoying the sounds of the ocean. Mind you, it was so romantic and relaxing. And of course, I had chosen the perfect music to set the mood. Piano love songs. Doesn't it set the mood? Its like those music played at hotel lobbies. Really relaxing tunes. And whats more comforting than sitting in your room with a stud beside you? The party ended close to midnight and when Tom left the room, I could sense loneliness all over again. Its as though the room needed someone like him to cheer things up. Or at least to cheer me up.

I stood by the balcony that night all alone, thinking of what I've achieved with Tom. I know Tom a little more now and he knows a little about me now. So, where is this all going to end? Marriage? Happy thoughts all the way that night until I received an e-mail from Brian Anthony. As usual, he kept saying that he was sorry and that he had some issues that he couldnt relate to me now but will do so soon. The last sentence caught my eyes though. "I would appreciate it if you could return me the engagement ring, by post or by hand". That really angered me. Yes, I've brought the ring along for I thought that we would be together right now. But,that last sentence really annoyed me so very much that I grabbed the ring from the drawer and tossed it out of the balcony and I believe it landed in the ocean. I just couldn't stop myself from doing this though I did regret my actions. I should have just sold it for cash. But then I thought, the money I get from the sale would remind me of him. So, it's best that I just throws the ring away. Forget the past...and start anew.

I'm actually excited for tomorrow. Firstly is bcoz I'm heading to Santorini Island. And secondly is bcoz Tom is coming along!! Hurray!!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sorry? Is that all you can say?


Sorry...sorry...sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. Whats the difference anyway? Its just SORRY. 5 letters says it all. Is that the only word you can say? Is that the only word you can think of right now to say to someone you've hurt so badly? I just don't get you. You seemed so different from the very first time I met you. You were so talkative before. You had more that just a mere SORRY. What happened to the man I fell in love with? The one I got engaged to? The one I planned to marry? The one I was going to build a family with? What happened? Where is he now? Has he forgotten himself? You don't just go around sending me messages or appearing on facebook, telling me how sorry you were and expecting me to forgive and forget the past and to accept you back in my life. You can't do that. You simply can't. It's so unfair. It's so so unfair to me. What have I done to deserve this misery and pain? It is so unfair. Why do all the bad guys get what they want and the good guys suffer in hell? Like I said previously, I will not forgive you this time. You have just gone too far. You don't deserve my forgiveness anymore. I can't bare to see you anymore. You're such a loser. Such a miserable man. You want the world to feel miserable just like you.

Don't think you can hide anything from me anymore, Brian. I spoke to your sister oday. She told me all about you. She did. Everything and anything. I felt that I didn't even know you during these 2 years of our relationship. But she managed to sum it up in just 15 minutes. All about you. You've been miserable all your life, ever since you were born up till today. But you never seize the opportunity to make those around you as miserable as yourself. You hurt people along the way but does that ever bother you? Do you look back sometimes and gave thought to what you've done or what you've said that may hurt those around you? I guess not. Since you're daring enough to pull such a trick on me. I've closed my heart when it comes to your love. You're no longer a part of me now. I'm free..

P/S : I know that you're reading my postings up here. So if you do read this, please, do not send anymore text messages to me. Spare yourself the trouble of doing so. And moreover, spare my life, will ya?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A New Place to Fill the TUMMY...Yummy!!



I've asked Jim to send some pictures of the new restaurant to me, just to have a look at it of course and obviously to see what he's done with it ever since James left it to us. Well, he's decided to change the name to an easier one, unlike the complicated French name. And I kinda like what he's done so far. Very neat and nice and classy. Well done to Jim! I'm sure James will be very proud to see what has become of his restaurant today and to know that its been taken care of would definitely make him happy and well rested. Jim had asked me on the food selection as well. Well, we both thought its time to change the menu and spices things up a little. Instead of the old and boring french cuisine thats been served for the past 4 years, we've now decided to come up with something more saucy. Jim has already started on the italian cuisine and a bit of everything of europe. And I've come up with the idea of baking cakes and pastries. And to make things a little different, we're now also thinking of serving malaysian food and indian food. You know, like Nasi Lemak, Beriyani Rice, Satay and stuff. Its still in the early stage of course coz we still need to run the survey on the consumers first but I really hope that it will happen soon.

Anyway, here are some pics. More to come soon...

Its OVER..


I cannot stand another moment thinking bout you. Thinking bout the promise you've made to me. Thinking of the phone call you made last night. And the thought of your last sentence gives me shivers. "I'll see you honey. I love you." Oh god!! It gives me shivers down my spine now that I gave thought to it. But at that moment when you said it, it felt so good. So darn good. It gave me hope. It gave me security to know that you will come and join me in this adventure and that we will rekindle our love and to renew our faith in each other. I thought there was love. I thought I could trust you. I had faith in you when you asked me a second chance. I forgave you for something I shouldnt have. And now, I regret my decision. I regret that I've trusted you. I thought you would be fair to me, you would come and be with me and we could work things out again. Just you and me. But now, you prove me wrong. Oh, so wrong!! I hate myself for this bad judgement. I hate myself for the decision that I've made. Why oh why did I ever forgive you? Was it your looks? or charms? or money? or was I just taken in by your sweet talk? Those sweet words of yours made my heart stopped. It did. It stopped for a moment. I was lost by the words spoken. I couldn't think at all. My brain froze all of a sudden. My heart skipped a beat. I was just paralyzed when you said what you've spoken. But now, I can see clearly that its just a bunch of lies. Its just hoax. Its just you trying to impress me and trying to show the world that you can get what you want, play it all out and then leave. Do you think you're great? Do you think you've won the battle? You're so wrong, Brian. You will never win this battle against me. Never ever in your life will you expect to win this battle.

I can't help but thinking of my bad judgement and horrible decision. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I see through your bad intentions? Why was I so blind? I guessed you have planned this right from the start. It was just a great lie after that. You said that you couldn't let me go? What a piece of shit! Nonsense! You're just so selfish. You're just afraid that I might find someone new and that you'll be left all alone. That is why you did this, didn't you? You didnt have Greece in mind anyway. You just wanted to play it out. Go on, play along with her and leave her at the very last moment to struggle. Hah! Guess what, I didn't struggle at all. I had tons of fun with my Arab friends in Dubai. They came after just 1 call. Unlike you!

I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me. I hate you for blinding me with your words. I hate you! I hate you! And I will never ever forgive you in a million years to come, even if you were to beg me for forgiveness or give me your life. I hope you're miserable now. All alone and miserable for what you've done to me. And miserable enough to know that I'm happy and enjoying myself in Athens with my best friend. And who knows, I might just meet someone more capable and trustworthy than you. You're just a useless freak now. And to me, you're just as good as dead!

I do not wish to speak to you. I do not wish to see you and I do not wish to hear about you anymore. You can just go to HELL! Go F*** yourself! I hope you're in pain right now. I hope you're in misery now. You deserve it very much.

And one last thing, ITS OVER BRIAN!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

a Thank You note


Dear Friends/Family,

I want to express my sincere gratitude for the thoughtful gifts you sent. The flowers and plants truly brighten the room and lift my mood.

I know James would appreciate your kind gestures. He spoke often of his friendships with his many co-workers; I know you all meant a great deal to him. Many of you expressed such beautiful sentiments that I have no trouble seeing why James enjoyed his work so much. Being surrounded by people like you was a large part of why James looked forward to each day.

Thank you all so much for your kind words, your generous gifts, and most of all, for your friendship with James. Knowing you will miss him too makes my burden a bit easier to bear.

Sincere Regards,

Daniel Guard
Trinity Tan
Jim Brennan & Family

Saturday, January 30, 2010

This is what we call QUALITY ASSURANCE..







I couldnt believe my eyes when I saw the cheque. All this while, I thought they were just gonna send me a letter with the outcome of their investigation. But to my surprise, there was a cheque enclosed with the letter. One thing about these international companies, they really do their best in gaining the customer's confidence back whenever there's a complaint and they really see to it that the customers are satisfied before they close their file. They dont, unlike most local companies blame the customers or blame the natural surroundings for whatever the fault was. I really am touched by what Waitrose did and surely would visit their store when I'm in the neighbourhood.

Anyway, here's a little something to laugh about...(the chrono of my complaint)

I would like to lodge a complaint regarding your toffee which I bought from your store a week ago. Its a pack of assorted toffees (with wrappers in green, gold, silver and orange). The toffee in silver tastes aweful. I'm not satisfied with the product and I want a refund or a new pack of toffee. I'm currently residing in Malaysia.


Thank you for your e-mail, which we are currently investigating. Should you need to contact my team further about this matter please do so at the e-mail address above or telephone 0800 188 884.


Thank you for your e-mail.
I was sorry to learn of the problems you experienced with one of our products recently, and I hope you will accept my sincere apologies for this.
We would like to carry out a full investigation into this matter.If you could please reply with the following information:
- Your full address (including post code)
- Product barcode / Product name
- Cost of the product
- Use by/best before date (if applicable)
- Packer's code/batch code
- Which branch purchased from
We can then pass this matter onto our Merchandise Laboratory for investigation and respond to you by letter giving you the details of our findings.
I look forward to your reply and once again, I hope you will accept my apologies.


Thank you for your prompt response.
My full address is Flora Damansara.................
Product Bar Code/Name is Assorted Toffees (5 000169 129449)
Cost of the Product : I can't really remember because I bought a few stuff
besides this
Use by/best before date (if applicable) : 29 04 2010
Packer's code/batch code : Where can I find this?
Which branch purchased from : Can't really recall because I went to a few
stores. Probably in Edgware Road.
I hope the information is enough for you to conduct further investigation.
Kindly contact me if you need further information


Thank you for your return e-mail.
Our Merchandise Laboratory are now investigating. Once this process is complete we will write with a full explanation or update you on progress within 21 days.
Once again please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused.


Can I know the status of my complaint?
This is taking too long. I cannot accept it!!!
It shows that your service is lousy.
I will be on Christmas leave soon and I expect to hear from you latest by
today (malaysian time)
Anyway, have a good Christmas and Happy New Year.


Thank you for your e-mail.
Please accept our apologies for the delay in getting back to you.
Our lab have now finished their investigation and a letter with their findings will be sent to you in the next you in the next few days.

And then came the cheque...Hahahaha

Express Lunch with a BUDGET

Well, I was supposed to write this story weeks ago but I couldnt find the time. So since I'm very free right now, celebrating V-Day alone in Athens, coz I didnt want to disturb my friend's V-Day with her hubby, I finally decided to write about these 4 wonderful pictures. Well, nothing special, just food. Food such as Mushroom Soup, Nasi Goreng Kampung and Kan Sao Fish with Rice...Sounds good, doesn't it? Actually, there is a special story behind these 4 pictures and let me relate to you now.

It was the end of January, where the pockets are dry, wallets thinning, and the bank account looking dim, with just RM60 in the purse, me and my good friend were sent to help out in completing a task in TTDI. The night before, we had both arranged for breakfast the next day and even decided on where to have lunch that day, our favourite Kazee Corner. So here I was in TTDI that very morning, all alone on 17th Floor, looking for my friend who has seemed to disappear. So, I called her on the cell and she told me she was at the bank and that her ATM card has been swallowed by the machine. I felt bad that day. I mean, how bad can it be to experience this at the wee hours of the morning? So, I told her to come up and we'll talk it out. So, she came up and there was hoo haas at first, she called the bank to block her card and so on, and we headed for breakfast. She did ask me if I could borrow her some money and obviously, I didn't mind. I mean, she's a good friend and I don't mind giving her a treat as well.

So, lets jump to lunch time. As promised, we headed to Kazee Corner for lunch at 1.30pm. With just RM60 in the wallet, we both ordered our food. I could see from her eyes that she wanted Lamb Chop and I even encouraged her to order the food, but at the end of the day, she ordered Nasi Goreng Kampung. I felt bad that day that she didnt get what she wanted because of the inssuficient amount of money I've brought that day. But, hey, we both still managed to laugh it over at the end of the day.

So, how bad did it go? Well, not bad at all. Not bad at all.




White Roses.





Someone had asked me last week, "Why white roses?"

James has been my best friend ever since the first day we met. We clicked instantly and ever since, we've been together. Most of his friends even thought I was his wife at some point as our relationship were so close, more to husband and wife. Yes, we were the closest of friends who trusted each other, who loved each other and who cared for one another. I love James. I love him with all my heart. He meant the world to me. I dare say that I'm closer to James than to my fiance. I feel that James completes me and is able to give me what Brian couldn't. But like I said, we do not have any intention to commit to one another. We just want to be friends, friends who would be there for each other in times of trouble and triumph. But some people wouldn't understand or they find it hard to understand. Some say that this is such a messy relationship. It isn't actually. Its a simple one. We call each other up once in a while, we text each other every night before we sleep, we say good morning when we wake up, we meet every year and we travel. What is so hard to understand about my friendship with James?

Moreover, I believe white brings out the sense of purity in James. What can I say? James is pure at heart. He doesn't lie, cheat or steal from you and he doesnt expect anything in return. But one thing is that he likes to give. He likes to help people around him and he trusts them. Well, I can say that trusting someone, especially a stranger is something pure but at times, it can hit you back. Basically, you can't read the other person's mind. Who knows what his intention was? But above all that, James didn't care. He didn't care if they had bad intentions towards him or if they planned to give him a million dollars afterwards. He didn't care at all. Just as long as he helped that person overcome his pain and misery, he's more satisfied than ever. It still bothers me that James was killed (3) days before his trip to Haiti. I still can't get over the fact that he's gone, just like that, in a jiffy. I didn't even get to say goodbye. How can GOD be this cruel to me? How can he leave me alone to struggle in this cruel cruel world? I still can't let it go. I still can't.

Besides this, James has always been my shoulder to cry on. He was always there for me. Always ready to listen to me. Always ready to cry with me and laugh with me. Or to celebrate with me. He was the only friend I could count on. He was the MAN. He plays a big role in my life, as a friend, a partner, a travel companion, a teacher and sometimes a love counsellor. He's been the backbone to my relationship with Brian. He was the one who had encouraged me to give Brian a second chance. He even tried to play matchmaker in this relationship once but it backfired. But still, he never gave up on us. He wanted me to be happy. At least that's what he told me. A man so true and pure in his heart is just one in a million. I dont think anyone can take his place in my heart because our bond is so strong that it will never break, even if we were a million miles apart.

Now, everytime I go through my phone book and sees James's number, I am tempted to just dial the number. I had hoped for miracles to happen. I had hoped that I could hear his voice when I dial his number. To know that he is safe makes my day. But now,everytime I dial his number, it goes to his voicemail. My friends had advised me to delete his number so that I can move on from here but WHY SHOULD I? I'm still waiting for this miracle to happen. I mean, who knows he might call me one day to tell me that he's fine. Maybe this is just crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy to be hoping for this miracle. But who knows, miracles may happen ...

Obviously it hurts me now that he's gone. Like I've mentioned in my earlier posting, I'm like a bird who has lost part of its wings. I am alone now. All alone.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I Pray For Your Safety..Even In The After Life


Monday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood which Thy divine Son Jesus shed in His cruel scourging, deliver the souls in purgatory, and among them all, especially that soul which is nearest to its entrance into Thy glory, that it may soon begin to praise and bless Thee for ever. Amen.


Tuesday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood of Thy divine Son Jesus that was shed in His bitter crowning with thorns, deliver the souls in purgatory, and among them all, particularly that soul which is in the greatest need of our prayers, in order that it may not long be delayed in praising Thee in Thy glory and blessing Thee for ever. Amen.


Wednesday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood of Thy divine Son Jesus that was shed in the streets of Jerusalem whilst He carried on His sacred shoulders the heavy burden of the Cross, deliver the souls in purgatory and especially that one which is richest in merits in Thy sight, so that, having soon attained the high place in glory to which it is destined, it may praise Thee triumphantly and bless Thee for ever. Amen.


Thursday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Body and Blood of Thy divine Son Jesus, which He Himself on the night before His Passion gave as meat and drink to His beloved Apostles and bequeathed to His Holy Church to be the perpetual Sacrifice and life-giving nourishment of His faithful people, deliver the souls in purgatory, but most of all, that soul which was most devoted to this Mystery of infinite love, in order that it may praise Thee therefore, together with Thy divine Son and the Holy Spirit in Thy glory for ever. Amen.


Friday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood which Jesus Thy divine Son did shed this day upon the tree of the Cross, especially from His sacred Hands and Feet, deliver the souls in purgatory, and particularly that soul for whom I am most bound to pray, in order that I may not be the cause which hinders Thee from admitting it quickly to the possession of Thy glory where it may praise Thee and bless Thee for evermore. Amen.


Saturday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood which gushed forth from the sacred Side of Thy divine Son Jesus in the presence and to the great sorrow of His most holy Mother, deliver the souls in purgatory and among them all especially that soul which has been most devout to this noble Lady, that it may come quickly into Thy glory, there to praise Thee in her, and her in Thee through all the ages. Amen.


Sunday Prayer for the Faithful Departed

O Lord God omnipotent, I beseech Thee by the Precious Blood, which Thy divine Son Jesus shed in the Garden, deliver the souls in purgatory, and especially that one which is the most forsaken of all, and bring it into Thy glory, where it may praise and bless Thee for ever. Amen.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

If Tomorrow Never Comes (will you know how much I love you)


Have you ever loved someone so dearly that you wouldn’t dare pour your heart out to him? Have you thought that perhaps you would find time to tell him one day? One fine day? When you can find the perfect moment and the perfect hour, minute and second of the day? But have you also thought about what if you could not find the right time to tell him how much you really really love him? What if tomorrow never comes...what if you thought the moment was coming for you to be able to shower him with love but all of a sudden, he leaves you. He leaves you all alone in this ruthless world, struggling with yourself and others. This is a mistake that many others have made over the past years and people being people, they don’t learn from their mistakes. Or do they?

I’m speaking based on my experience over the past 26 years. But yet, I did not learn from the past. I should have but I did not. Perhaps, I was too stubborn or too arrogant to look back at the past or could it be that I just wanted to leave the past behind so quickly that I just had to let it go.

First was the passing of my grandmother. Well, I wasn’t by her side during the last few moments and during those times when she cooked, cleaned and taught me, I can honestly tell you that I wasn’t the most obedient person you can think of. I was mean. Yup, I said it. When I was younger, perhaps schooling years, I was a mean person. I would kick, yell and fight just for the simplest mistakes. But of course during those times, I never thought that I would look back many years later and regret what I did. I mean, not to say that I regret on my actions way back but I just regretted not being able to tell her how much I had loved her during those times. When she was still here, she would take care of me without complaining a bit, so much that I was so fond of her. She was really my saviour at that time, especially when my parents hit me for no apparent reason. She would rather be the one who was hit and all those years, I let her take it without feeling sorry. Was I that cruel way back then? Was I? Perhaps I was stupid when young. I didn’t care about others around me. Just as long as someone was willing to be the scape goat, I was happy. Yeah, that was me way back then. My grandma was a smoker when she was alive. She would buy boxes of cigarettes and stock them in her drawer before my mum finds out. Otherwise, she would hit her again. At that time, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why granny was being hit just for buying a pack of cigarette. I didn’t bother to protect her at that time because I had a very arrogant attitude then. But as years go by, by the time I graduated from high school and completed my A-Levels, my grandma begged me to study in KL. She advised me to go as far as I could. Leave this family, pursue my dreams and to look for my biological parents. But she reminded me to bring her along one day when I’m already successful in life. I had wanted to bring her to KL after graduation in 2007 but she didn’t make it. But the one thing I regret most is that I didn’t have the chance to tell her I was sorry and that I love her. I really love my grandma and I really wished she was here with me right now though I think of her all the time. She’s really close to my heart. She was more than a grandma to me. She was like a mother to me. All the love and things she had given to me. How can I ever repay her for this? By being a better person in life?

I thought that after this incident, I would repent. I would learn from my mistake. I would be more open to people. I should tell them how much I love and appreciate them when they are still around but I guess I never did...

Second was the passing of my favourite uncle just a few weeks ago. It came as a shock to me actually. This uncle was the husband to my 5th aunt and my close cousin. I was really close to them. My cousin would sleep over my home whenever she’s in Penang and we would talk and talk and talk till the cows come home or at least until my mum comes knocking on the door because we were too noisy. And when I first set foot in KL, she was the one who took me around. But when I left the family and after my grandma’s passing, we have never contacted one another. Not until years later, when my another cousin buzz me on msn to inform me that this uncle was sick and diagnosed with cancer and that he was in SJMC. She had urged me to visit him but excuses after excuses were given by me in order to turn down the offer. Its not that I don’t intend to visit him but its just that I was afraid I would run into my old family. I just didn’t want to see them at that time. I guess my anger is still there. And I’m pretty sure that they wouldn’t want to see me as well, now that I have found my biological parents in Perlis. But I did call my aunt and cousin to ask about my uncle then. But still, it came as a shocker that he had suddenly passed. See, another dumb decision made by me. If only I had forced myself to the hospital a month ago, I would have seen him. I would have the opportunity to care for him or at least thanked him for everything he had done for me.

And I thought after another incident, I would have woken up by now. I would have called everyone in my phone book to tell them that I loved them and that I appreciate what they did for me and so on...but I guess...sigh

Third and final one happened yesterday, Saturday, 23rd January 2010. The passing of my best friend and my one and only travel companion, James McCarthy Jr. This was really unexpected and the biggest shocker of all! I almost passed out when I heard the news. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to accept the fact that he was gone forever. And I don’t think I can ever accept the truth that GOD has taken my best friend away from me. I mean, I just spent the last Christmas with James and the last time I saw him was in Brussels, just before I took a flight back to KL. And the last time I spoke to him was on Wednesday, when he told me that he will be following the volunteers at UNICEF to Haiti, to help the children of the quake. And I still remembered saying that he was such an angel and we both laughed at it. At that time he sounded right. He sounded healthy and cheerful. He even told me not to worry about my med check up next month and that everything will be fine. He even joked about our year end trip to Capri and Venice and that we would get married and have kids one day. I never took him seriously and I never knew if he meant what he said. And I guess I will never know for sure if he had a thing for me. James, you’re secret is safely buried with you. But he would never have thought that I actually had feelings for him as well. Yes I have feelings for James. I love his bubbly personality, his charisma and upbringing. I like the way he carries himself and for once, we both share the same passion, which is travelling. He used to advise me on my relationship with Brian. He told me that I should give him a second chance. And that if it didn’t work out, I can come look for him and marry him. Then we would be caught laughing like mad cows. What about now? Who will advise me now? Who am I supposed to look for now? I love him. I really do love him. And I missed him. But now, he will never know how much I loved and missed him. And why? Because I made yet another silly mistake. I didn’t have the courage to tell him when I had the chance. I thought that time will come when it does, I will tell him. But now, time had passed. I am too late. And the photos remain as memories of me and him. The trip to Zurich was our last together. I didn’t predict neither did I want this to happen. 31/12/09 @ 10am – that was the last time I woke up beside him. 11am – that was the last time I had breakfast with him and 02/01/10 – that was the last time I saw him. I missed my friend so very much. I missed everything about him. The times we’ve shared, the joy and laughter and sorrow and tears, pain and glory. We were the perfect couple. But now, I’m like a bird with a broken wing. Helpless. I feel vulnerable again. But no matter what, I know James will protect me from where he is right now.

My dear James, RIP. You’ll always be in my heart. I will always love you....

Monday, January 18, 2010

Copper & Clay


"There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful." As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke.

"You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay. "My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone", but he only smiled, "Not yet."

"Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet”.

Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet”.

Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet."

Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."

Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself." And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful.”

"I want you to remember, then," he said, "I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.

I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."