Saturday, January 30, 2010

White Roses.

Someone had asked me last week, "Why white roses?"

James has been my best friend ever since the first day we met. We clicked instantly and ever since, we've been together. Most of his friends even thought I was his wife at some point as our relationship were so close, more to husband and wife. Yes, we were the closest of friends who trusted each other, who loved each other and who cared for one another. I love James. I love him with all my heart. He meant the world to me. I dare say that I'm closer to James than to my fiance. I feel that James completes me and is able to give me what Brian couldn't. But like I said, we do not have any intention to commit to one another. We just want to be friends, friends who would be there for each other in times of trouble and triumph. But some people wouldn't understand or they find it hard to understand. Some say that this is such a messy relationship. It isn't actually. Its a simple one. We call each other up once in a while, we text each other every night before we sleep, we say good morning when we wake up, we meet every year and we travel. What is so hard to understand about my friendship with James?

Moreover, I believe white brings out the sense of purity in James. What can I say? James is pure at heart. He doesn't lie, cheat or steal from you and he doesnt expect anything in return. But one thing is that he likes to give. He likes to help people around him and he trusts them. Well, I can say that trusting someone, especially a stranger is something pure but at times, it can hit you back. Basically, you can't read the other person's mind. Who knows what his intention was? But above all that, James didn't care. He didn't care if they had bad intentions towards him or if they planned to give him a million dollars afterwards. He didn't care at all. Just as long as he helped that person overcome his pain and misery, he's more satisfied than ever. It still bothers me that James was killed (3) days before his trip to Haiti. I still can't get over the fact that he's gone, just like that, in a jiffy. I didn't even get to say goodbye. How can GOD be this cruel to me? How can he leave me alone to struggle in this cruel cruel world? I still can't let it go. I still can't.

Besides this, James has always been my shoulder to cry on. He was always there for me. Always ready to listen to me. Always ready to cry with me and laugh with me. Or to celebrate with me. He was the only friend I could count on. He was the MAN. He plays a big role in my life, as a friend, a partner, a travel companion, a teacher and sometimes a love counsellor. He's been the backbone to my relationship with Brian. He was the one who had encouraged me to give Brian a second chance. He even tried to play matchmaker in this relationship once but it backfired. But still, he never gave up on us. He wanted me to be happy. At least that's what he told me. A man so true and pure in his heart is just one in a million. I dont think anyone can take his place in my heart because our bond is so strong that it will never break, even if we were a million miles apart.

Now, everytime I go through my phone book and sees James's number, I am tempted to just dial the number. I had hoped for miracles to happen. I had hoped that I could hear his voice when I dial his number. To know that he is safe makes my day. But now,everytime I dial his number, it goes to his voicemail. My friends had advised me to delete his number so that I can move on from here but WHY SHOULD I? I'm still waiting for this miracle to happen. I mean, who knows he might call me one day to tell me that he's fine. Maybe this is just crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy to be hoping for this miracle. But who knows, miracles may happen ...

Obviously it hurts me now that he's gone. Like I've mentioned in my earlier posting, I'm like a bird who has lost part of its wings. I am alone now. All alone.

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