Saturday, December 5, 2009

Lets Talk About Friendship

I have something good that I really wanna talk about.

Its about 3 totally different individuals, from different parts of the world, doing different things but yet, there is a common interest that they all share. What is it? Acting...

1st Individual – Michael Chen

Michael’s a really down to earth individual. Well, I met him in college. Wondering which college eh? Its Kemayan ATC, KL, where we both studied law there. I think it was somewhere in 2004. Michael was in the same class as me, during lectures and even tutorials. I don’t really know him very well but we did cross paths. I mean, he was the most good looking guy in college as most of the girls, well, are crazy for him. They fall heads over heels when they see him. But in short, Michael is just friendly. Really, honestly. He is a really friendly guy. If you need help in assignments, he’s always there. But then when I graduated from law school, we lost contact. I mean, I hadn’t seen him for almost 3-4 years now and honestly, I hadn’t thought about him at all. Seriously!! Probably because we weren’t very close back then. I mean, he was closer to Rosie and Sumathi then. Although I must admit, me and my best friend, Debbie did try to catch his attention then. Who would resists a good looking guy, right? But anyway, he was a good student. An ‘A’ student in college. Maybe because of his matured thinking and his creative ideas. He excels in class and always scores the highest in assignments and group work. But that was then...

Last Wednesday, I was watching 8tv Quickie and got a shocked of my life!! Guess who I saw. Well who else, if its not Michael Chen! He’s hair is a bit longer now but he still remained handsome, as usual! He was promoting his new act, The Swimming Instructor. I really cannot believe my eyes! Michael! Our Michael from ATC is now an actor. So, I do wonder, what happened to his law degree? Hmmph...

2nd Individual – Peter J. Elias

I must say, I don’t really know this man yet. I met him through Facebook. GOD knows how he ended up on my list or how I ended up on his list. But anyway, yesterday I was chatting on IMO when I saw him online. So, I said Hi and Who is this please? And well, he responded to me. He said he was Peter J Elias, an actor. Well, naturally, I wouldn’t believe at first. I mean, since I wasn’t logged into FB at that time. But of course, within seconds, I was in FB, checking out his profile. I also did some research on him by typing his name on Google. Well, guess what! I have his profile on my screen within seconds, even his movies lists. He had acted in quite a few movies, well, not really big time movies but still, its a movie, right? I did asked him where I could get my hands on his movies but there was no reply up till today.

I did watch ‘Scandal’ on today. Just the trailer or a clip. Not a bad movie anyway. He did tell me that he would make it big one day. Well, I really hope so. I really hope he would make it to the silver screens soon and win the Oscars.

I’m really proud to have a friend, an actor, all the way from the States. Really honoured.

3rd Individual – The One and Only Razak Rahim

There’s only one Razak Rahim in this universe. And that’s the one who is currently working in the same office as me. Yeah, that Razak Rahim. The guy who suffers from severe short-term memory loss. Seriously!! A really fun individual to be around with but he is someone who is always ‘kelam kabut’. Don’t ever get him confused, or else he would be lost the whole day. But really, this guy is a talented person. He sings, acts and plays the guitar. He’s like the complete package. And I must say, he’s really a ladies’ man. I mean, every lady dreams of a man who can sing, plays musical instruments and is ‘romantic.’ Err..the romantic thingy, I’m not sure. But all I can say is this guy here is a true friend. A friend who stays. But its kinda difficult at times coz he cant remember facts sometimes. Hahaha.. Sorry, bro. But sometimes, you feel like you wanna give him a slap @ lempang laju-laju.

I mean, of all 3 individuals, this is the only person that I see everyday. So, its means I spend quite some time with him. So, I have a basic idea about him. He’s afraid of failure, that’s all I can say. When he faces it, it brings him down. He doesn’t accept failure. He wants perfection. And he is a perfectionist, anyway. Anyhow, I’m really proud to be his friend.

But I guess I’m really glad to have crossed paths with these 3 talented individuals.

Wouldn’t want it anyway else, wouldn’t I?

Parfum, Madame??

Ended up buying London perfume. I can’t recall the brand but its something London. Smells fruity and soft. More like Beautiful from Estee Lauder.

And then a colourful bottle caught my eyes. A yellow bottle with the wordings SMILE. Smells ‘lemony’ but its nice. Bought it as well since I was already there, right?

When I got home and checked the post, found 2 more samples for me. It was the samples which I had ordered from Escada months back with Yogi. No wonder he told me he got his Lacoste sample last few weeks. Well, here it is now, from Escada. 2 different samples. Its really cool!!

So, now I have like 5 bottles of perfumes yet to be opened sitting on my dresser. And people tell me that I should buy perfumes from Switzerland as its cheap. With the 5 bottles starring at me everyday, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.

Do you?

Zurich, Here I Come!!

Thinking about’s like 19 days to my holidays in Zurich. Can’t wait for that day to come. I’m really excited!! But at the same time, of course I have to finish all my office work and then at least I can leave happily and enjoy my time fully. I can’t wait to meet my old friend, James Oliver. I know what you’re probably thinking. Sounds familiar right?? Hahaha .. no no. That chef on tv is Jamie Oliver. My friend is James. See the difference? Jamie and James? It’s been I think a year or so since I last spent time with him. The last we met was in Mauritius last year. Yup, it’s been a year since. And I can’t wait to meet him. He’s such a fun guy to hang around with, always cracking silly jokes to make me laugh and buying silly gifts just to make me smile. I kinda miss him a lil. Just a wee bit...

Did some research on Zurich today. Well, time difference between Zurich and Malaysia is just 7 hours. So, my friends who wish to contact me, please feel free to do so. But I don’t think my phone will be switched on anyway. I mean, hello, I’m on holidays!! And today, the weather is 4 degrees there as its snowing. Well, I guess so since its winter now. Don’t think I can much shopping there since it’s gonna be winter all the way. Winter jackets, winter clothings bla bla bla. No point buying. But James said I could go shopping in Chennai during our stopover. Its gonna be like 6 hours stop in Chennai from KL. So, maybe I could do part of my shopping in India. We’ll see then..

Also received good news from James today. He would be flying in to Kuala Lumpur on 23rd of Dec and we would be flying together on the 25th Dec. Told him not to waste his money and time as he could just easily fly from Brussels to Zurich rather than fly down to KL and then up to India and then up to Zurich. But hey, if he wants to, I wouldn’t and shouldn’t stop him, right? I should be happy that he would be by my side the whole trip. Love you lots, James!!

Well, I managed to find a few photos of Zurich from Google. Really nice place. I can’t wait to invade it!!

And to my friends, don’t worry. I’ll get souveniers and chocolates from Swiss.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Heaven Knows

This song has been in my mind the whole day. I heard it a few times today, in the car, at home, in the mall and even at the pasar malam. Did GOD really want me to hear this song? Or was it just mere co-incidence? Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard of the song before. Heaven Knows by Rick Price. Ring a bell? Well, I remembered this song very well or at least this album of his. It was a birthday gift from Jennifer, right after my first break up. Still remembered the painful and sorrowful moment I went through. But thankfully I had my best buddies with me.

And how here are the lyrics to this song. Just a bit and I’ve changed the She to He, just to make it more real.

He's always on my mind

From the time I wake up,

Till I close my eyes.

He's everywhere I go

He's all I know.

And though he's so far away,

It just keeps getting stronger everyday

And even now he's gone

I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let him go

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

But only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope & pray

'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me

That if you really love him,

You've gotta set him free

And if he returns in time

I'll know he's mine

But tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let him go

'Coz heaven knows

Why I live in despair

'Coz wide awake or dreamin',

I know he's never there

And all the time I act so brave,

I'm shakin' inside

Why does it hurt me so?

Isn’t the lyrics beautiful? It reminds me of someone. Someone I love truly. Someone who may never know that I love him. Or perhaps knows bout it but is just letting it go. Maybe he already has someone else in his life. Maybe...maybe. Who knows? Only Heaven knows. But who knows, maybe he will return to me. But when will this happen? Or when he finally returns, will I be there for him? Will I wait for him? Shall I wait for a one sided love? Will I? Or would I spend my life leading an unhappy ending? My life is really empty without him. I feel it. I think he might be the only man that would complete me. But if this is a dying love, why did GOD make him appear in my life? I trust that GOD has his own ways of making things, even play matchmaker at times.

Everyone dreams of a happy ending. A fairy tale wedding, a grand reception with all your friends and family. But do fairy tales exists? I still remembered watching the film Enchanted, where Giselle was waiting for her true love’s kiss. And she got it in the end!! Damn the ever gorgeous hunk Patrick Dempsey!! Hahaha.. but will I have my fairy tale ending? I’m not looking for something big. I don’t expect grand wedding receptions. I don’t need a big house, a big car, luxurious furnishings, maids and servants or butlers to serve me. All I want is a happy family of my own, a loving husband with perhaps 2 children by my side, leading a happy life in our own backyard. But I dare say that I have thought of more. Like leaving in a castle in Scotland married to a royalty, enjoying the rich and famous lifestyle, walking down the streets of NYC and Manhattan, browsing thru the shops in Fifth Evenue, dining with celebs. Who doesn’t dream of this,right?

But yes, I love this man. I really do. And I would do anything for him. I would die for him, honestly. But unfortunately, my love is not returned.

Will I wait for him? Or should I just let him go?

Friday, November 27, 2009

Are We Just Friends? Or Is There More To It..

It’s been almost 2 months since I met him or called him and it felt good actually. At least I know that we both are giving ourselves some time out. But at times, I do miss him. I miss his warmth and I miss his laughter and all the jokes he would crack to make me happy. Even during the Singapore F1, he managed to make a few good jokes which made me laugh but I guess the feeling is oh so different now. I don’t see him as the same person I saw years back in Dome Cafe in Lot 10. The first look meant a thousand words. The handsome smile, the fresh look on his face, oh my, it made me catch my breath for a second. But now, after what we’ve gone through, the love, the pain, the laughter, the sorrow and the misery, well I can clearly say that we went through hell more than anything, when I look at him, I see him as my brother. A big brother who’s been guiding me over the past year and loved me continuously. But sadly, this brother would not put me above all things and could not give me his heart wholly. I had to let him go. Not because I loved him no more but because I couldn’t bear to see him heartbroken. I know that this relationship will never work out so its only wiser if I pulled out before its too late. Anyway, looking back at what happened, I must say I am happy with the outcome. I am happy for where I stand today and I am happy to be single again.

This is because...

I had the best day in my life today!! Though I missed out a few things as scheduled because I had spent my entire night downloading free games and chatting with my friends from NYC over thanksgiving. Had a really wonderful dinner last night with 3 of my housemates (you know who you are), my best friend Mark, his 3 friends really handsome looking friends Joseph, Harvey and Michael, his aunt Jane and her 3 lil’ kids, papa Jones and uncle Robert. You are such a funny man. Had a night filled with food and booze. What a wonderful evening!! I think I must have passed out last night, overdosed I guess, coz I woke up like at 2pm today and Mark came over and asked if I was attending my friend’s wedding. And I went like, SHIT! I forgot! Didn’t turn up today. Probably the luncheon has ended even before the sleeping beauty woke up!! But after that, the day went well. Had my lunch at home. Mark made the meal. I didn’t know he could cook. Well, I must say, good looking guys can really cook these days. I bet they make better housewives. Let me tell you bout lunch. Had pacific cod grilled to perfection. You can see the marks on the fish. Its like those ribs that Robert Rainford makes on his show. Mmmm...topped with fresh steamed broccoli and baked potatoes paired with a glass of champagne. Can you imagine it? So after lunch, just chilled in the house, turning the channels on the remote, with a magazine on the lap, pretending to read I guess. Anyhow, my mind was somewhere else. Didn’t realize it until my phone rang. good friend from office text me. He needed my help in something which of course, I would help if it was within my ability. Took my shower at 6pm and went out for dinner with Mark. Had Japanese today. Lots of udon, sushi and rolls and the wasabi, my god! You know something. Japanese cuisine is not just about tempura, udon, sushi and rolls and seaweed. Its more to that. They have everything and they eat them raw. Just name it, I bet they have it. And oh, someone at blowfish today. I thought it was poisonous but Mark explained that if the clean it well, it is edible. Well, I guess so since the customer who ate it managed to leave the restaurant safely. But I don’t think I would have the courage to try it. I mean, who knows, accidents happen. Anyway, after dinner, left for a movie. Mark asked if I wanted to watch Twilight. Never been a great fan of it but well, anything goes. So, we headed to The Gardens, got ourselves seats and snacks and drowned ourselves in our seats for the next 2 hours. Not a bad movie though but I can’t really say its impressive as well. Perhaps a 3.5 out of 5 rating? After the movie, we headed to Tesco Ampang to stock up on groceries. I know, its crazy. You would ask, why don’t just buy them from Carrefour in MV or even Cold Storage, right? But Mark is very particular in his choice. He wants the cheapest and the best. A real scrooge. Hahaha.

Let me list down his shopping list : 2 boxes of Homesoy soya bean, 4 packets of Lays potato chips, a box of eggs, a 4 ft Christmas tree, red decor and lights, Premier kitchen towels, Oral B toothpaste for sensitive teeth, 2 cans of sardines, 3 cans of baked beans, 2 cans of green peas, a pack of Ayamas chicken nuggets, Herbal & Essence shampoo, mixture of vegetables, chicken meat, ribs and 3 types of fishes, sorry but I’m really bad in naming them but I think I saw cod fish. And not forgetting, 6 cans of Heineken. The bill came up to almost RM200 but what’s that to him, since he’s earning a five figured salary every month.

So now I’m back home in Capsquare, 10th floor, with my laptop updating this blog. I am very happy with the events of the day. Felt like I did a lot, though all I did was to tag along. Its 3.29am now and I’m still awake, typing this while sms-ing with my dear friend, who’s on her way to Rotterdam by train. She must be enjoying herself, going places and visiting every possible spots in the world and not forgetting SHOPPING! Kak Ida, if you’re reading this. Please don’t forget about us!! Hahahaha...We miss you very much and can’t wait to see you next week with all the goodies.

You know what. I’ve been thinking about this the whole day. Have I fallen for Mark? I mean, I’ve known Mark even before I met Brian, which makes it like 3-4 years? And I met him while on duty in JWM. I was the front desk assistant and he was the guest. We met, exchanged numbers, gone out for drinks and meals before. I mean, he is my best friend or my best soldier. He is always there for me in times of pain and happiness, although I did let him down a couple of times before. I’ve hurt him before. I’ve used harsh words on him before. I’ve even given him my fist before. But at the end of the day, he didn’t seem to mind at all. He still stood there for me. He still remained as my strength and supported my every act. I love him. I really do. But I love him only as a brother. But could this sister-brother relationship be more that what it is supposed to be? Will we break our barriers to be together? Or in the first place, can he complete me?

But I don’t think I’m that desperate to start a new relationship. Mark is my brother and my best friend. Thats it! But my friends told me that it is impossible for a woman and a man to be best friends. It this true? Is this that impossible? But at times, I feel that a man is a better friend because I feel they’re stronger at heart. I feel safe when I’m with an opposite sex, not because it makes me look good but at least, I know that I am safe and in good hands. But one thing still bothers me. Mark. Are you in love with me? He needs to speak out while there’s opportunity. Speak your mind and heart and let me listen to you. You may not know, I might have feelings for you too.

This update is dedicated to my best friend and my beloved brother, Mark..... or is there more to it?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Owh My..What A Sight!!

Today wasn’t my day. It really wasn’t at all..not even a little. Gosh! How could I possibly bump into him ever again, more over in my own country. How can I ever forget this terrible terrible day. I mean, the advanced assessment was bad enough although it was a little easier than the one we did previously but still,it’s not that easy to get by as well. I thought that I could catch some fresh air or some cool breeze right after the assessment, by my God, did I pick the wrong venue to hang out today. Well, here’s a little of what happened today at 5.30pm.

After I left PV, I headed to KLCC with a movie in mind, final destination 4-3d version. Yeah...I couldnt wait till Cathay’s 10.05pm show and I didnt want to drive all the way to Sunway, although they had a 5.10pm show...sometimes when I look back, I think I deserve it as well. Hahaha.. But anyway, I headed towards KLCC, surprisingly no jam at all and it was a smooth drive all the way. Yeah, coz most people would probably be at their hometowns by now. So, by the time I reached KLCC, it was slightly after 5pm. Parked my car in the parking bay, usually near the Isetan lift entrance coz I’m just too lazy to walk. Too the elevator up to Isetan and was on my way to the ladies when I heard my name. Or at least, I thought I heard my name. But I didnt look back as I thought it was just another person with the same name. You know..Lynn is a common name after all. It could be Lin, Lyn,Lynn or even Leen. Went to the ladies and did my business, applied some make up, didnt even know what prompted me to do that, comb my hair and got out like 10 minutes later. Walk towards the Total Women area, pluz size clothes for big women, like me and started going through some skirts. Felt someone calling me from behind. Turned and almost FAINTED!! Oh my GOD!! Jesus Christ!!

It was my ex, Ajantha!! It’s been 5 years since we last saw one another, spoke on the phone or even e-mailed. I must say I lost contact with him after the painful break up. But he looked, owh my, still the same old guy, ever so young, ever so gentleman. Geez...I was at total lost. How could a guy that I’ve loved so dearly show up in front of me after 5 years, still looking the same as before when I myself have changed? So, the first question that came through my mind was, “Are you alone?” and he said “Yes”. That drove me crazy...seriously, my mind was a total blank, I was speechless and I couldnt move. I wanted to run. Run as far as I could from him. I didnt want to live through this pain anymore. But one thought gave me shivers. Is this what we call Fate? Were we both fated for one another and were destined to be together like star-crossed lovers? How could this be? How could he re-appear after 5 years, right exactly after separating from Brian. But this can’t be it. I am still engaged to Brian, I do still love Brian and perhaps one day or maybe soon, I could be back with him. I would marry Brian and I know that he still loves me very much. But lets say, we both are just going through a cooling off period for one another. It may work out, it may not. That depends on how we both feel after 1 year. Yeah, the cooling period is 1 year.

Okay, enough of Brian. Let me get back to my ex. A brief history on how we met, fell in love and broke up...

I was 19 when I met Aja over the internet. At that time, I was just a first year law student and alone in KL and being a student, its obvious that I surf the net. But as I can recall, I didnt have any laptop or computers at that time. Probably it was during one of my few trips back to Penang that I was chatting online and met him. He was attached to Emirates Airlines in Dubai at that time as a Briefing Officer. He would brief the flight crew an hour before departure just to make sure everything was fine. Owh..did I mention that he was Sri Lankan? And that he was married at that time, to a flight attendant from Sri Lankan Airways but was in the midst of a divorce? But at that time, being a student, I didnt care much. I thought he was great and he meant the world to me. Day & night, he would call me from Dubai, just to say hello or good night or just a kiss good night. He cared for me all the way and I felt his presence with me all the time, to keep me safe and warm. I still remembered that once, he had to pay 40,000 dirhams for calls made to me. Pitiful huh? And how he would usually order his dinner from the restaurant below his apartment. It would always be roti and dhaal. Simple dinner but satisfying... Anyway, after 4 months of calling, sms-ing, webcam, e-mailing and stuff, he told me that he would come to KL for 1 week for his holidays. I was really excited. Finally, I get to meet a man that I’ve spoken to for the past 4 months and who seemed to be pleasant and nice. But in my mind, million of questions were popping out. What if he didn’t like me? What if I’m too fat for him? Bla.. Bla..Bla..So the moment arrived when I finally met him in KL Sentral. With his baseball cap and a white tee with jeans and a big briefcase, he walked towards me and asked, “Are you Lynn?”. I looked up, all shy, smiled and before I knew it, he gave me a warm hug. That was it!! That really woke me up. So, in the cab and back to the hotel. At that time I was having my college exams but it didn’t mattered. He was everything above those exams. So we checked in and spent the next 5 days having fun. Or at least, I had fun spending his money. Hahahaha....kekeke...Went shopping in Bkt Bintang, Midvalley, KLCC, bought so many things till I couldnt carry. We even had our breakfast, lunch and dinner in the hotel. My oh my..for once, I felt like a pampered princess. So, it was the final day of my dumb exams and I was heading back to Penang for holidays. I brought him along, he bought the tickets and even booked Rasa Sayang Hotel, which cost around 400 a night for the next 3 nights. And day in and out, people call me as Mrs Ajantha. Even the hotel registration card says Mr & Mrs PLA Ajantha. It was the stupidest joke my cousin had ever played on me. I found out that she booked me a Honeymoon Suite. No wonder there is a bottle of champagne, a bouquest of roses, chocolates with strawberries and flowers all over the bed. Geez...I think I forgot to mention that we went to Genting casino, and he won like 5k and bought me a diamond ring, but eventually I sold it after we broke up, just to get over him coz at that time, I really didnt want to speak of him no more. So,the day finally came for him to leave for Dubai. I couldnt accompany him to KL, so we like had the final kiss in the bus terminal in Penang. Really cried my heart out for the next 48 hours until I finally saw him online on msn. The gifts that he gave me..mmm..I starred at them day and night, night and day. A beautiful Estee Lauder travel kit which cost like rm200, 3 bottles of perfume, dkny, ghost and tommy girl. Countless tees, skirts and dresses, not forgetting shoes and bags and of course, the diamond ring!! Well, this went on for a year or so, he did come down a few times after the last visit, finalized his divorce with the wife. So, he was a new man!! A man with the passion to start all over again. But then, there were objections from his family. Well, his family didnt like the idea of him marrying me, some stranger from Malaysia. Though we tried to sort things out, it didnt turn up well. The days I spent in Dubai were terrible. I had threats, vulgarity thrown at me by his family day and night. But our love was still going strong beneath all the fights and objections. We still loved one another. We wanted to be together. At that time, I was willing to leave everything behind and move to Dubai to start a new life with him. But that never came through. After I left Dubai, I lost contact with the one I loved so dearly. I tried to e-mail him but it bounced back. I called him but was unreachable. I wrote to him, to his company but it was returned to me. I called his friend,Priya and she told me that he has left the airlines. And he wasn’t on msn anymore. What had happened? I really wanted to know. Where is he? Where can I find him? Is he alright? I was like insane and couldnt get my head straight for the next few months. I couldnt concentrate on my studies, work and even my parents. I was at a total lost. But as the saying goes, time will heal the broken hearted. Well, guess, its true. It healed my broken heart. It takes time,yes that’s true. It took me almost a year to forget him. Sold his diamond ring for 4k just to forget him, threw all his gifts just to forget him. I totally erased him from my heart and my mind...

That was the past...

And so today, standing in front of me, was Ajantha! After 5 whole years of trying to forget him, here he is today right in front of me, for real. So, I kinda like had dinner with him at California Pizza Kitchen though I really didn’t feel like eating at all. Actually, I was not in the mood for anything. All I wanted to do was to run home and forget that this had really happened. Why did I have to choose KLCC today? Why couldnt I just catch a movie in 1 Utama? Or just wait for Cathay’s 10pm show? Why? Why? Why? Perhaps, the almighty above has arranged this meeting. Perhaps... And the thought of watching a movie just subsided. I just couldnt think at that time. He really caught me by surprise. Had a great chat with him, yeah, catching up 5 years in a day...he explained that after I left, his family brought him back to Sri Lanka and he worked for his father. He tried to contact me but he couldnt reach me. He said that his dad passed away in 2004 and ever since, his mother has changed. He still worked for his late-father’s company, which is like his now, and over the past years, he had returned to KL, hoping to see me. What can I say? I was dumbfounded. Total lost. Total memory lost. Why did he say this? Why? After 5 years, did he expect me to still wait for him? But I do admit, I still love him. I’ve loved him every moment for the past 5 years though I didn’t want to admit it or express it openly. I really do love him. But looking back, this would be unfair to Brian. I love Brian as well. Both men have different ways, different plus points. But if I were to run with Ajantha today, would it be fair to Brian? But if I chose to stay, would it be fair to myself? I really can’t decide. One part says Brian, one part says Ajantha. I mean, the cooling period is 1 year. Would it be fair to Brian if I were to end it now? I dont think so at all...but if I decided to call it quits after 1 year, will Ajantha still be here for me? Will he? But if he really loved me, and have waited for 5 years, can’t he just wait another year? Or what if I decided to marry Brian after a year, would it be fair to Ajantha?

Or maybe, I should just let both men go....

In the end, at 10pm today at California Pizza Kitchen,KLCC, I told him “I’m sorry.”

Will I ever regret my decision?...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Losing Someone Special

Words cannot express how sorry I am for hurting you. I never thought that it would bring you down. I thought you were the forgiving kind and would learn to forgive and forget about the past. But I was wrong. I was totally wrong about you. I suddenly realized that perhaps I didn’t know you that well. Well enough to be considered as a best friend. I guess, being sorry is merely not enough. I have apologized numerously but to no avail were you there to forgive me. Sometimes, the truth hurts but sometimes, I asked myself, as to whether I truly cherish your friendship. The days we spent skipping classes and hanging out at the back of our college seemed fruitful. We both did it. We both aced our exams. But sadly, we had to go our own separate ways because of my foolishness and your stubborness. I have done my part to help save this friendship but it seemed like I’m the only one who is playing my part. It is painful to lose someone so dear to me and who has spent most of her time trying to understand me. I hope you still remember the good old days we spent together. The outings, the dates, the nonsense that we used to come up with, the fights, the breakups and the get togethers. Wasn’t it fun? How could you have not missed all these? Does it feel the same when you do it with others? As for me,it never felt the same. It has never felt that good around other people. But if we were fated to not be friends, then let us accept the fact that it was destined to be this way.

Do you still remember the good old times we used to have at the little stall opposite our college? The one we used to have our lunch at while gossiping about others. And after lunch, how we bought jelly beans from the supermarket. And not paying attention to the lectures as we were too busy eating the jelly beans in class? How we smuggled a can of jolly shandy into class. And what we did 2 weeks before exams? I could still remember what you told me when we played truant 2 weeks before exams in Time Square. You told me that, “No matter what we do, we have to make sure that we aced this exam and become successful lawyers.” But I guess, we did it. Debbie, we did it!! We aced the exam with flying colours and we’ve turned our lives into something good. I miss you. That’s all I can say. In fact, I missed the good times I had with you. Looking back at the past when we smuggled the two cups away and ran all the way to the train station and not returning there until today, when we exchanged presents for all occassions, when we dined like kings and queens in the hotel and when in times of trouble, you were even there for me. You kept me above the line. You made me happy. You complete me.

But just because of a silly judgement I made a year back, it kept you away from me. Numerous messages, cards, letters were sent to express how sorry I am were being thrown away. I know you’ve read my letters. I know you’ve seen the messages but you chose to ignore. Perhaps, I wasn’t a friend. And I think that you deserve a better friend. Someone who would really care for you and be there for you at times of trouble. I thought I was that person back then but then I realized that I’ve let you down when I turned you away when you were at your lowest point. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. Words cannot express how sorry I am. I’ve made a mistake. I’ve let you down. I’ve taken some time to look back at what I did. What I did to you that really caused a break in our friendship. The bond was really tight, wasn’t it? How we spent V-Day together instead of with our partners. How you took a cab from Subang to KL just to be with me when I ended a relationship and was having a hard time going by. I never thought that spending time with you that day actually saved me from suicide.

But I guessed its over now for you and me. Its been 2 years now since we last met. Its been 2 years now since we last spoke to one another. And its been 2 years now since I last wrote the word, “I’m truly sorry” and addressed it to Debbie. Even so, you’ll always be in my heart and will always be my best friend and I must say No one, No one at all, can take that place away from you. Thank you for being a friend. And perhaps after 2 years since the last note, I must say that I really regretted what I did some time ago and I’m really SORRY.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Won't You Let Me Go?

Another day awaits. Another day it is. Another day full of surprises is here. Would it be a fun day today? Or would it be another gloomy day like the weather this morning? But still, one thing remains in my head all night. Will you let me go? Will you let me live the life I had wanted, that is if you know what I wanted. But if you knew, we wouldn’t be where we are today, going our separate ways. “Am I miserable?” How could you even ask me this question back this morning? I woke up to your text and it made me think a while. Am I gonna be miserable as you claimed or would I just enjoy what I have and let the past go, or to let you go. But I do admit. I am miserable but I don’t sulk over it. I let it flow right through me. I fill my space with chores and work. I kept myself busy. I try not to think about the worst that could happen. Perhaps, I should ask you the same question. “Are you miserable?” No, I don’t want to know the answer but I hope that it’s a No. I’m afraid to learn the truth. What if you said Yes. How would I react? Would I just laugh it off as a joke or would I soften my heart for you? Whatever it is, I don’t think I can take it anymore. The impact you had on me is too strong. Perhaps, my love for you was overrated. Maybe it was undying love. But whatever it is, our love died along that lonely path. We exchanged vows, yes we did but I guess we both couldn’t commit to what we’ve offered one another, the undying love.

Sometimes I wonder, what is undying love? Is it a love that never dies? Is that true love? It remains unanswered. Perhaps I will never know what it is cause of the pain you’ve caused me. Do you think I will look at love the same way again? Do you think its that easy for me to love a person? It is easy for me to like a person and to tell others that I love him but its just a saying. It doesn’t mean anything, does it? But it takes time for me to fall truly madly deeply in love with someone. Its rare but I fell for you. I trusted that you will do the same in return but you threw it all away with one silly mistake. A mistake that impacted both you and me and impacted me on how I would look at relationships in future. Should it take time for me to heal this broken heart? I don’t know but time will tell. It will, trust me.

For that, I begged you to let me go. Let me start my life all over again. Let me learn how to love again.

Living Our Separate Lives

It has been more than 4 months since the big day. A day that I would remember for the rest of my life. Perhaps to some, it was the day I gave up everything, my social life, my friends especially men, basically my freedom. But to me, its just the same old story and the same old boring life. I get up, take my shower, drive to work, work my ass off, drive home and get caught in the jam, watch tv, and go to bed. Such a miserable life but I feel blessed that at least I have this life to sulk about. But yes, first 2 months were hell. Non stop phone calls, messages, emails..jeez, at that point, I felt like cutting off my phone lines and moving to a deserted island far far away, where I can just walk about in the nude, watch the sunrise and sunset, pluck coconuts and hunt for food. Not forgetting, the beautiful ocean, the azure looking ocean. Ahhh, what a life indeed!! But that's just a dream, nothing but just a lousy dream. Moving on, the 2 months were indeed hell. I struggled through every moment of it but no one knows how I feel. I chose not to speak because no one, not even my best friend, would understand the pain I had inside my heart. As a result, it turned me into a rebel, a hardcore kamikaze rebel. I turned things away and everything came tumbling down. But yet, at the end of the day, I felt good. The days I've travelled over to see him were never pleasant. Some people thinks that it is but no, I can honestly tell you that its not. 2 hard days in a stranger's land every weekend is painful enough but yet no one understands. It came up to the extent that I spend my nights crying as the knife cuts deeper and deeper. I prefer to show my feelings for I am afraid that they would worry but when its too much to handle, I let it all go through my anger. I wasn't a happy woman. Happy in the sense that I really found true love, true happiness and not merely lust and money. I agree that money is important but money is not everything. It doesn't bring happiness in a person. In fact, it brings us misery.

Yes, you bought me clothes and diamonds and pearls and everything I want, though I begged you to stop, you wouldnt. This isn't what I need. What I want is someone who would listen to me when I'm down, someone who would lend me a shoulder when I cry, someone who would hug me and say, "Its's alright." or "Good work." I'm not asking for much. I don't expect billions of dollars coming from you. Try changing the dollars to love. As yet, I have no one to turn to when I'm miserable. I don't have a family. I mean, I don't have a family that cares. I have an unforgiving father who isn't gonna bow down and mend this broken relationship. I don't have a mother to speak to when I have boy-problems. I am alone. I am alone in this big big world with so much surprises. I used to have a loving granny who was like a mother to me. She had supported me from the day I was adopted by this family. She was there for me at all times, waiting for me to come home from school, cooked good food, wash my clothes, iron my uniform and I still remembered the last thing she said to me before she turned ill, "Study hard, graduate and become a good lawyer. And then take me with you to KL." But she never made it. She made it through the last World Cup in 2006 and she could even joke about making it through The Olympics in 2008. But no, she didnt make it. She left me in 2006, just before Christmas. And the one thing I regretted most is not being there for her during her last moments. I only received a call from my mother a day before her funeral. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of a mother is she? How could she not tell me this? Was it because I has a bond with my granny? Was it because I loved my granny more than anyone else in this world? I still missed her up to today. How I wish she was still around to attend my graduation. If only she could have seen my today. "I did it grandma. I did it. I graduated." But I know, somewhere above heaven's doors, she is watching me, and she is proud of what I have achieved so far.
See, this is what I want. This is what I’ve wanted from you. But you failed. You failed after 3 months, what more years to come. I don’t want a someone who is merely a husband. I need someone who would be my friend, my best friend. I think I’ve made the right decision. Going our separate lives is the best option. Perhaps, it would give us time to think about the stupid judgement and decisions we’ve made. It would give us time to heal our broken hearts and to mend our flaws. Its time to judge ourselves, inside out. Let me believe that you’re the one for me. Let me tell myself that I’ve made the right choice and he’s the one that I will truly love. Let us cherish our relationship or more so our friendship. Nothing will change, trust me. We will still be the best of the best. I will still see you from time to time and my doors are always open. Its just that, let’s take it slow. One step at a time. Let this separation be something meaningful to us, both of us.

Do what you like my love. During this time, its best to pursue our dreams. To do something that you’ve always wanted to do but never had a chance to. Its your time to shine. But no matter what you do, always remember that you have someone giving you the fullest support you may ever need.

Sleep well my love. Tonight will be the night where you will have sweet memories of you and me. I know its painful but tomorrow is another day worth living for.

This is my promise to you...