Monday, August 16, 2010

Depression Sets In...

Office @ Work

I'm beginning to hate my office more and more each day. The people, the work and the environment. I just hate them. What else can I say? I used to like what I was doing. I used to think that it was so much fun. I used to look forward to work so very much. But now? What is there for me to look forward to? Criticism? Sarcasm? I used to thought it was alright. I used to take it as it was but up to this point, do you think I should leave it and let him say what pleases him? Oh No No...that shouldn't be the case. My level of tolerance and patience is very low and I snap easily at the slightest annoyance. Its so freaking annoying when someone thinks that you don't deserve to be around anymore and then tells it to your face and worst still, to laugh it off as though its a funny little joke. Well, does he ever consider how the person might feel? Not only de-motivated but the feeling of hatred towards that person was building inside of me. I really hate him. I really do. Seriously! I wished I could make him feel sorry for what he did so that he doesn't have to pretend that nothing happened. But anyway, on the brighter side of things, I've seek help from my ex fiance, Brian, who is in Singapore to actually look for a job for me. It doesn't have to be high postioned, just as long as I can leave this misery behind and start a brand new life somewher far. But actually, I was looking at maybe being a legal consultant or it could be just the same job as what I am right now. Whatever it is, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and am hoping to hear some good news from Brian real soon...

Honeymoon @ Maldives

I was browsing through this website, this evening, trying to collect more information on where I'm headed this December with my husband for our honeymoon. But well, way before this, I have always dreamt of visiting Maldives for my honeymoon. Its just that I've never thought that my dreams would actually come through. Cole actually agreed to spend a week for our honeymoon in Maldives, right after our wedding on Christmas Eve. Meaning that we'll be spending Christmas, Boxing Day and New Years Day in Maldives. Woohoo!! So going back to my story, I was browsing for the accomodation when I remembered that I once read in a magazine that there was an underwater restaurant somewhere in Maldives, and if I was not mistaken, it was in Hilton. So after spending some time looking through the website, I finally found the resort,, Conrad Hotels & Resorts,Rangali Island. Yeah, the one and only underwater restaurant in the world. So my first thought was, let's just book the room before everything goes. Sadly, when I tried to search for any available rooms, nothing came up. So, I immediately rang the hotel and was told that there were fully booked for Christmas. Imagine how I felt at that point in time! All just dropped. The mood for honeymoon just disapperared. Tears came trickling down my cheeks. I
was just so down. How could they not have any more rooms left? Its still 4 months till Christmas. And all I need is a little room by the corner. That's all. I was so lost at that moment. And then Cole came up with his so called bright idea. "Honey, we can still go to Maldives. Let's just stay in another resort." Yeah Yeah..I'm fine with this idea but the feeling would be so different, you know! Before this, I had pictured a perfect dining experience with the fishes and sharks. But now, back to ZILCH! So, basically, its back to square one. And now, I have like a few places to visit. Perhaps Barbados? or Aruba? or Seychelles? or Bora-Bora Island? or maybe Hawaii? What say you...

My Best Friend @ James

I came home today at about 6.00pm, sat on my couch, staring into space and then suddenly the thoughts of my best friend, James, came flashing through my mind. I suddenly felt lonely. I felt as though I had no one to speak to, no one to rely on after James's death. I remembered that I used to spill everything out to James, the good and the bad, the happy moments and the despair. And he would listen and listen and listen. And then he would tell me to forget about the past and move on. And then he would tell me that I should be happy. And then I would forget about those sad moments. And then we would speak of our trips together, here and there, to Switzerland, to Greece, to Norway...all those wonderful and silly moments. I really missed him. I used to have a friend that I could speak to without any worries but now, I have nothing. I have him in my memory. I think of him all the time. But lately, he's been in my mind so often. I often wondered too, what if he was alive today, would both of us be married right now? Or would I still be married to Cole? And imagine how James would feel for me if he knew that I've found a man in my life? Would he be happy for me? But I know for sure that he'll be happy for me. Moreover, he would be overjoyed if he knew that I was going to adopt her daughter and bring her with me to the States. You know what, everytime I see her, it reminded me of him. I only wished he was still alive to see what I've achieved today...James oh James, I really missed you so much! :(

Undecided (Part 2)

Undecided (Part 1)

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Guess its true when people speak of 'justice' or 'whatever comes around will eventually come around'. Today, I got mine, alright. After 6 months of waiting, I finally got my share of justice. Patience is everything. Seriously, all I did was to sit and wait but I never thought it would come so soon.

Anyway, here's what happened today...

I got a call at about 3.00am this morning. Its not the first time I'm getting this, trusts me. Those sleepless nights, those rude awakenings I've been receiving for the past weeks. So let's say I thought it was the same old person on the line. But luckily it wasnt. It was Charlene on the line. Well, Charlene is actually Brian's wife. Yeah, Brian Anthony, my Ex. I know I'm supposed to actually hate him or her, but somehow over the months of knowing her, we eventually became friends and close friends, closer and closer until at one point, we were sharing intimate stuff. Like how close friends or you can say best friends share secrets. I remembered once, about a month ago, she told me about this one guy she met and that she was so happy with him. I just never thought that she would leave everything to be with him. So anyway, going back to the story, what happened was she called me up this morning and told me she was getting a divorced. And obviously, the spouse was Brian, my Ex. She did mentioned that I was the first to know and she would call him today. My gosh, in my head, I was thinking, why on earth would you do such a thing? And why must you put me in such a situation. Why oh why did you call me first? You know its like, I'm not the one you're divorcing. Call him. Call Brian! But on the other hand, I was on all smiles. I was like justice is served at last! And I won! And I deserved to be happy!

But when I looked back at the past, I soon realized that well, you guys were never meant for one another. You never liked him, he never liked you and you both were brought together by your parents. You were forced into this marriage. You both were living in hell for the past 6 months, though it did affect me indirectly for the past few months after Feb. But yeah, as I remembered, Brian continued working in Singapore after his wedding and she remained in Ireland as well. Strange but true. And I knew all these while that Brian was never happy from this marriage. The nights he used to call me on the phone, the long chats, the comments on Facebook. It still showed that he missed me. And I did somehow missed him too at that time. But not wanting to break a relationship, I took a step back and moved on, and never looked back.

So, should I say that I've regretted this? To be honest, yes and no. Yes because I love Brian, seriously and honestly, I've always loved him with all my heart even after the split. I don't know why. I never understood too. But I didn't want to open up to him, or to show him how I felt. It would just show that I'm weak. Although he did open up his feelings to me every now and then. But if not for him leaving me behind, I wouldn't have met Cole, the man I'm going to marry. So, No, I don't really regret my decision at one point. That's the worst part, the pros and cons of being the third party in a relationship. Err, well actually, I'm not the third party but Charlene is.

But anyway, I felt his pain actually. I saw that him changing his status in Facebook from Married to Single. Awww..and he was avoiding me the whole night. I could picture it in my head, the moment she rang him and told him about the divorce. How devastated he could have been or rather, did he in his right mind thought it was INDEPENDENCE DAY for him once again or maybe that I would give him a second chance? In his dreams, that's all I can say. The past is the past and there's no looking back unless......