Saturday, November 28, 2009

Heaven Knows

This song has been in my mind the whole day. I heard it a few times today, in the car, at home, in the mall and even at the pasar malam. Did GOD really want me to hear this song? Or was it just mere co-incidence? Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard of the song before. Heaven Knows by Rick Price. Ring a bell? Well, I remembered this song very well or at least this album of his. It was a birthday gift from Jennifer, right after my first break up. Still remembered the painful and sorrowful moment I went through. But thankfully I had my best buddies with me.

And how here are the lyrics to this song. Just a bit and I’ve changed the She to He, just to make it more real.

He's always on my mind

From the time I wake up,

Till I close my eyes.

He's everywhere I go

He's all I know.

And though he's so far away,

It just keeps getting stronger everyday

And even now he's gone

I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let him go

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

But only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope & pray

'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me

That if you really love him,

You've gotta set him free

And if he returns in time

I'll know he's mine

But tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let him go

'Coz heaven knows

Why I live in despair

'Coz wide awake or dreamin',

I know he's never there

And all the time I act so brave,

I'm shakin' inside

Why does it hurt me so?

Isn’t the lyrics beautiful? It reminds me of someone. Someone I love truly. Someone who may never know that I love him. Or perhaps knows bout it but is just letting it go. Maybe he already has someone else in his life. Maybe...maybe. Who knows? Only Heaven knows. But who knows, maybe he will return to me. But when will this happen? Or when he finally returns, will I be there for him? Will I wait for him? Shall I wait for a one sided love? Will I? Or would I spend my life leading an unhappy ending? My life is really empty without him. I feel it. I think he might be the only man that would complete me. But if this is a dying love, why did GOD make him appear in my life? I trust that GOD has his own ways of making things, even play matchmaker at times.

Everyone dreams of a happy ending. A fairy tale wedding, a grand reception with all your friends and family. But do fairy tales exists? I still remembered watching the film Enchanted, where Giselle was waiting for her true love’s kiss. And she got it in the end!! Damn the ever gorgeous hunk Patrick Dempsey!! Hahaha.. but will I have my fairy tale ending? I’m not looking for something big. I don’t expect grand wedding receptions. I don’t need a big house, a big car, luxurious furnishings, maids and servants or butlers to serve me. All I want is a happy family of my own, a loving husband with perhaps 2 children by my side, leading a happy life in our own backyard. But I dare say that I have thought of more. Like leaving in a castle in Scotland married to a royalty, enjoying the rich and famous lifestyle, walking down the streets of NYC and Manhattan, browsing thru the shops in Fifth Evenue, dining with celebs. Who doesn’t dream of this,right?

But yes, I love this man. I really do. And I would do anything for him. I would die for him, honestly. But unfortunately, my love is not returned.

Will I wait for him? Or should I just let him go?

Friday, November 27, 2009

Are We Just Friends? Or Is There More To It..

It’s been almost 2 months since I met him or called him and it felt good actually. At least I know that we both are giving ourselves some time out. But at times, I do miss him. I miss his warmth and I miss his laughter and all the jokes he would crack to make me happy. Even during the Singapore F1, he managed to make a few good jokes which made me laugh but I guess the feeling is oh so different now. I don’t see him as the same person I saw years back in Dome Cafe in Lot 10. The first look meant a thousand words. The handsome smile, the fresh look on his face, oh my, it made me catch my breath for a second. But now, after what we’ve gone through, the love, the pain, the laughter, the sorrow and the misery, well I can clearly say that we went through hell more than anything, when I look at him, I see him as my brother. A big brother who’s been guiding me over the past year and loved me continuously. But sadly, this brother would not put me above all things and could not give me his heart wholly. I had to let him go. Not because I loved him no more but because I couldn’t bear to see him heartbroken. I know that this relationship will never work out so its only wiser if I pulled out before its too late. Anyway, looking back at what happened, I must say I am happy with the outcome. I am happy for where I stand today and I am happy to be single again.

This is because...

I had the best day in my life today!! Though I missed out a few things as scheduled because I had spent my entire night downloading free games and chatting with my friends from NYC over thanksgiving. Had a really wonderful dinner last night with 3 of my housemates (you know who you are), my best friend Mark, his 3 friends really handsome looking friends Joseph, Harvey and Michael, his aunt Jane and her 3 lil’ kids, papa Jones and uncle Robert. You are such a funny man. Had a night filled with food and booze. What a wonderful evening!! I think I must have passed out last night, overdosed I guess, coz I woke up like at 2pm today and Mark came over and asked if I was attending my friend’s wedding. And I went like, SHIT! I forgot! Didn’t turn up today. Probably the luncheon has ended even before the sleeping beauty woke up!! But after that, the day went well. Had my lunch at home. Mark made the meal. I didn’t know he could cook. Well, I must say, good looking guys can really cook these days. I bet they make better housewives. Let me tell you bout lunch. Had pacific cod grilled to perfection. You can see the marks on the fish. Its like those ribs that Robert Rainford makes on his show. Mmmm...topped with fresh steamed broccoli and baked potatoes paired with a glass of champagne. Can you imagine it? So after lunch, just chilled in the house, turning the channels on the remote, with a magazine on the lap, pretending to read I guess. Anyhow, my mind was somewhere else. Didn’t realize it until my phone rang. good friend from office text me. He needed my help in something which of course, I would help if it was within my ability. Took my shower at 6pm and went out for dinner with Mark. Had Japanese today. Lots of udon, sushi and rolls and the wasabi, my god! You know something. Japanese cuisine is not just about tempura, udon, sushi and rolls and seaweed. Its more to that. They have everything and they eat them raw. Just name it, I bet they have it. And oh, someone at blowfish today. I thought it was poisonous but Mark explained that if the clean it well, it is edible. Well, I guess so since the customer who ate it managed to leave the restaurant safely. But I don’t think I would have the courage to try it. I mean, who knows, accidents happen. Anyway, after dinner, left for a movie. Mark asked if I wanted to watch Twilight. Never been a great fan of it but well, anything goes. So, we headed to The Gardens, got ourselves seats and snacks and drowned ourselves in our seats for the next 2 hours. Not a bad movie though but I can’t really say its impressive as well. Perhaps a 3.5 out of 5 rating? After the movie, we headed to Tesco Ampang to stock up on groceries. I know, its crazy. You would ask, why don’t just buy them from Carrefour in MV or even Cold Storage, right? But Mark is very particular in his choice. He wants the cheapest and the best. A real scrooge. Hahaha.

Let me list down his shopping list : 2 boxes of Homesoy soya bean, 4 packets of Lays potato chips, a box of eggs, a 4 ft Christmas tree, red decor and lights, Premier kitchen towels, Oral B toothpaste for sensitive teeth, 2 cans of sardines, 3 cans of baked beans, 2 cans of green peas, a pack of Ayamas chicken nuggets, Herbal & Essence shampoo, mixture of vegetables, chicken meat, ribs and 3 types of fishes, sorry but I’m really bad in naming them but I think I saw cod fish. And not forgetting, 6 cans of Heineken. The bill came up to almost RM200 but what’s that to him, since he’s earning a five figured salary every month.

So now I’m back home in Capsquare, 10th floor, with my laptop updating this blog. I am very happy with the events of the day. Felt like I did a lot, though all I did was to tag along. Its 3.29am now and I’m still awake, typing this while sms-ing with my dear friend, who’s on her way to Rotterdam by train. She must be enjoying herself, going places and visiting every possible spots in the world and not forgetting SHOPPING! Kak Ida, if you’re reading this. Please don’t forget about us!! Hahahaha...We miss you very much and can’t wait to see you next week with all the goodies.

You know what. I’ve been thinking about this the whole day. Have I fallen for Mark? I mean, I’ve known Mark even before I met Brian, which makes it like 3-4 years? And I met him while on duty in JWM. I was the front desk assistant and he was the guest. We met, exchanged numbers, gone out for drinks and meals before. I mean, he is my best friend or my best soldier. He is always there for me in times of pain and happiness, although I did let him down a couple of times before. I’ve hurt him before. I’ve used harsh words on him before. I’ve even given him my fist before. But at the end of the day, he didn’t seem to mind at all. He still stood there for me. He still remained as my strength and supported my every act. I love him. I really do. But I love him only as a brother. But could this sister-brother relationship be more that what it is supposed to be? Will we break our barriers to be together? Or in the first place, can he complete me?

But I don’t think I’m that desperate to start a new relationship. Mark is my brother and my best friend. Thats it! But my friends told me that it is impossible for a woman and a man to be best friends. It this true? Is this that impossible? But at times, I feel that a man is a better friend because I feel they’re stronger at heart. I feel safe when I’m with an opposite sex, not because it makes me look good but at least, I know that I am safe and in good hands. But one thing still bothers me. Mark. Are you in love with me? He needs to speak out while there’s opportunity. Speak your mind and heart and let me listen to you. You may not know, I might have feelings for you too.

This update is dedicated to my best friend and my beloved brother, Mark..... or is there more to it?