Thursday, August 20, 2009

Losing Someone Special

Words cannot express how sorry I am for hurting you. I never thought that it would bring you down. I thought you were the forgiving kind and would learn to forgive and forget about the past. But I was wrong. I was totally wrong about you. I suddenly realized that perhaps I didn’t know you that well. Well enough to be considered as a best friend. I guess, being sorry is merely not enough. I have apologized numerously but to no avail were you there to forgive me. Sometimes, the truth hurts but sometimes, I asked myself, as to whether I truly cherish your friendship. The days we spent skipping classes and hanging out at the back of our college seemed fruitful. We both did it. We both aced our exams. But sadly, we had to go our own separate ways because of my foolishness and your stubborness. I have done my part to help save this friendship but it seemed like I’m the only one who is playing my part. It is painful to lose someone so dear to me and who has spent most of her time trying to understand me. I hope you still remember the good old days we spent together. The outings, the dates, the nonsense that we used to come up with, the fights, the breakups and the get togethers. Wasn’t it fun? How could you have not missed all these? Does it feel the same when you do it with others? As for me,it never felt the same. It has never felt that good around other people. But if we were fated to not be friends, then let us accept the fact that it was destined to be this way.

Do you still remember the good old times we used to have at the little stall opposite our college? The one we used to have our lunch at while gossiping about others. And after lunch, how we bought jelly beans from the supermarket. And not paying attention to the lectures as we were too busy eating the jelly beans in class? How we smuggled a can of jolly shandy into class. And what we did 2 weeks before exams? I could still remember what you told me when we played truant 2 weeks before exams in Time Square. You told me that, “No matter what we do, we have to make sure that we aced this exam and become successful lawyers.” But I guess, we did it. Debbie, we did it!! We aced the exam with flying colours and we’ve turned our lives into something good. I miss you. That’s all I can say. In fact, I missed the good times I had with you. Looking back at the past when we smuggled the two cups away and ran all the way to the train station and not returning there until today, when we exchanged presents for all occassions, when we dined like kings and queens in the hotel and when in times of trouble, you were even there for me. You kept me above the line. You made me happy. You complete me.

But just because of a silly judgement I made a year back, it kept you away from me. Numerous messages, cards, letters were sent to express how sorry I am were being thrown away. I know you’ve read my letters. I know you’ve seen the messages but you chose to ignore. Perhaps, I wasn’t a friend. And I think that you deserve a better friend. Someone who would really care for you and be there for you at times of trouble. I thought I was that person back then but then I realized that I’ve let you down when I turned you away when you were at your lowest point. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. Words cannot express how sorry I am. I’ve made a mistake. I’ve let you down. I’ve taken some time to look back at what I did. What I did to you that really caused a break in our friendship. The bond was really tight, wasn’t it? How we spent V-Day together instead of with our partners. How you took a cab from Subang to KL just to be with me when I ended a relationship and was having a hard time going by. I never thought that spending time with you that day actually saved me from suicide.

But I guessed its over now for you and me. Its been 2 years now since we last met. Its been 2 years now since we last spoke to one another. And its been 2 years now since I last wrote the word, “I’m truly sorry” and addressed it to Debbie. Even so, you’ll always be in my heart and will always be my best friend and I must say No one, No one at all, can take that place away from you. Thank you for being a friend. And perhaps after 2 years since the last note, I must say that I really regretted what I did some time ago and I’m really SORRY.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Won't You Let Me Go?

Another day awaits. Another day it is. Another day full of surprises is here. Would it be a fun day today? Or would it be another gloomy day like the weather this morning? But still, one thing remains in my head all night. Will you let me go? Will you let me live the life I had wanted, that is if you know what I wanted. But if you knew, we wouldn’t be where we are today, going our separate ways. “Am I miserable?” How could you even ask me this question back this morning? I woke up to your text and it made me think a while. Am I gonna be miserable as you claimed or would I just enjoy what I have and let the past go, or to let you go. But I do admit. I am miserable but I don’t sulk over it. I let it flow right through me. I fill my space with chores and work. I kept myself busy. I try not to think about the worst that could happen. Perhaps, I should ask you the same question. “Are you miserable?” No, I don’t want to know the answer but I hope that it’s a No. I’m afraid to learn the truth. What if you said Yes. How would I react? Would I just laugh it off as a joke or would I soften my heart for you? Whatever it is, I don’t think I can take it anymore. The impact you had on me is too strong. Perhaps, my love for you was overrated. Maybe it was undying love. But whatever it is, our love died along that lonely path. We exchanged vows, yes we did but I guess we both couldn’t commit to what we’ve offered one another, the undying love.

Sometimes I wonder, what is undying love? Is it a love that never dies? Is that true love? It remains unanswered. Perhaps I will never know what it is cause of the pain you’ve caused me. Do you think I will look at love the same way again? Do you think its that easy for me to love a person? It is easy for me to like a person and to tell others that I love him but its just a saying. It doesn’t mean anything, does it? But it takes time for me to fall truly madly deeply in love with someone. Its rare but I fell for you. I trusted that you will do the same in return but you threw it all away with one silly mistake. A mistake that impacted both you and me and impacted me on how I would look at relationships in future. Should it take time for me to heal this broken heart? I don’t know but time will tell. It will, trust me.

For that, I begged you to let me go. Let me start my life all over again. Let me learn how to love again.

Living Our Separate Lives

It has been more than 4 months since the big day. A day that I would remember for the rest of my life. Perhaps to some, it was the day I gave up everything, my social life, my friends especially men, basically my freedom. But to me, its just the same old story and the same old boring life. I get up, take my shower, drive to work, work my ass off, drive home and get caught in the jam, watch tv, and go to bed. Such a miserable life but I feel blessed that at least I have this life to sulk about. But yes, first 2 months were hell. Non stop phone calls, messages, emails..jeez, at that point, I felt like cutting off my phone lines and moving to a deserted island far far away, where I can just walk about in the nude, watch the sunrise and sunset, pluck coconuts and hunt for food. Not forgetting, the beautiful ocean, the azure looking ocean. Ahhh, what a life indeed!! But that's just a dream, nothing but just a lousy dream. Moving on, the 2 months were indeed hell. I struggled through every moment of it but no one knows how I feel. I chose not to speak because no one, not even my best friend, would understand the pain I had inside my heart. As a result, it turned me into a rebel, a hardcore kamikaze rebel. I turned things away and everything came tumbling down. But yet, at the end of the day, I felt good. The days I've travelled over to see him were never pleasant. Some people thinks that it is but no, I can honestly tell you that its not. 2 hard days in a stranger's land every weekend is painful enough but yet no one understands. It came up to the extent that I spend my nights crying as the knife cuts deeper and deeper. I prefer to show my feelings for I am afraid that they would worry but when its too much to handle, I let it all go through my anger. I wasn't a happy woman. Happy in the sense that I really found true love, true happiness and not merely lust and money. I agree that money is important but money is not everything. It doesn't bring happiness in a person. In fact, it brings us misery.

Yes, you bought me clothes and diamonds and pearls and everything I want, though I begged you to stop, you wouldnt. This isn't what I need. What I want is someone who would listen to me when I'm down, someone who would lend me a shoulder when I cry, someone who would hug me and say, "Its's alright." or "Good work." I'm not asking for much. I don't expect billions of dollars coming from you. Try changing the dollars to love. As yet, I have no one to turn to when I'm miserable. I don't have a family. I mean, I don't have a family that cares. I have an unforgiving father who isn't gonna bow down and mend this broken relationship. I don't have a mother to speak to when I have boy-problems. I am alone. I am alone in this big big world with so much surprises. I used to have a loving granny who was like a mother to me. She had supported me from the day I was adopted by this family. She was there for me at all times, waiting for me to come home from school, cooked good food, wash my clothes, iron my uniform and I still remembered the last thing she said to me before she turned ill, "Study hard, graduate and become a good lawyer. And then take me with you to KL." But she never made it. She made it through the last World Cup in 2006 and she could even joke about making it through The Olympics in 2008. But no, she didnt make it. She left me in 2006, just before Christmas. And the one thing I regretted most is not being there for her during her last moments. I only received a call from my mother a day before her funeral. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of a mother is she? How could she not tell me this? Was it because I has a bond with my granny? Was it because I loved my granny more than anyone else in this world? I still missed her up to today. How I wish she was still around to attend my graduation. If only she could have seen my today. "I did it grandma. I did it. I graduated." But I know, somewhere above heaven's doors, she is watching me, and she is proud of what I have achieved so far.
See, this is what I want. This is what I’ve wanted from you. But you failed. You failed after 3 months, what more years to come. I don’t want a someone who is merely a husband. I need someone who would be my friend, my best friend. I think I’ve made the right decision. Going our separate lives is the best option. Perhaps, it would give us time to think about the stupid judgement and decisions we’ve made. It would give us time to heal our broken hearts and to mend our flaws. Its time to judge ourselves, inside out. Let me believe that you’re the one for me. Let me tell myself that I’ve made the right choice and he’s the one that I will truly love. Let us cherish our relationship or more so our friendship. Nothing will change, trust me. We will still be the best of the best. I will still see you from time to time and my doors are always open. Its just that, let’s take it slow. One step at a time. Let this separation be something meaningful to us, both of us.

Do what you like my love. During this time, its best to pursue our dreams. To do something that you’ve always wanted to do but never had a chance to. Its your time to shine. But no matter what you do, always remember that you have someone giving you the fullest support you may ever need.

Sleep well my love. Tonight will be the night where you will have sweet memories of you and me. I know its painful but tomorrow is another day worth living for.

This is my promise to you...