Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Living Our Separate Lives

It has been more than 4 months since the big day. A day that I would remember for the rest of my life. Perhaps to some, it was the day I gave up everything, my social life, my friends especially men, basically my freedom. But to me, its just the same old story and the same old boring life. I get up, take my shower, drive to work, work my ass off, drive home and get caught in the jam, watch tv, and go to bed. Such a miserable life but I feel blessed that at least I have this life to sulk about. But yes, first 2 months were hell. Non stop phone calls, messages, emails..jeez, at that point, I felt like cutting off my phone lines and moving to a deserted island far far away, where I can just walk about in the nude, watch the sunrise and sunset, pluck coconuts and hunt for food. Not forgetting, the beautiful ocean, the azure looking ocean. Ahhh, what a life indeed!! But that's just a dream, nothing but just a lousy dream. Moving on, the 2 months were indeed hell. I struggled through every moment of it but no one knows how I feel. I chose not to speak because no one, not even my best friend, would understand the pain I had inside my heart. As a result, it turned me into a rebel, a hardcore kamikaze rebel. I turned things away and everything came tumbling down. But yet, at the end of the day, I felt good. The days I've travelled over to see him were never pleasant. Some people thinks that it is but no, I can honestly tell you that its not. 2 hard days in a stranger's land every weekend is painful enough but yet no one understands. It came up to the extent that I spend my nights crying as the knife cuts deeper and deeper. I prefer to show my feelings for I am afraid that they would worry but when its too much to handle, I let it all go through my anger. I wasn't a happy woman. Happy in the sense that I really found true love, true happiness and not merely lust and money. I agree that money is important but money is not everything. It doesn't bring happiness in a person. In fact, it brings us misery.

Yes, you bought me clothes and diamonds and pearls and everything I want, though I begged you to stop, you wouldnt. This isn't what I need. What I want is someone who would listen to me when I'm down, someone who would lend me a shoulder when I cry, someone who would hug me and say, "Its's alright." or "Good work." I'm not asking for much. I don't expect billions of dollars coming from you. Try changing the dollars to love. As yet, I have no one to turn to when I'm miserable. I don't have a family. I mean, I don't have a family that cares. I have an unforgiving father who isn't gonna bow down and mend this broken relationship. I don't have a mother to speak to when I have boy-problems. I am alone. I am alone in this big big world with so much surprises. I used to have a loving granny who was like a mother to me. She had supported me from the day I was adopted by this family. She was there for me at all times, waiting for me to come home from school, cooked good food, wash my clothes, iron my uniform and I still remembered the last thing she said to me before she turned ill, "Study hard, graduate and become a good lawyer. And then take me with you to KL." But she never made it. She made it through the last World Cup in 2006 and she could even joke about making it through The Olympics in 2008. But no, she didnt make it. She left me in 2006, just before Christmas. And the one thing I regretted most is not being there for her during her last moments. I only received a call from my mother a day before her funeral. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of a mother is she? How could she not tell me this? Was it because I has a bond with my granny? Was it because I loved my granny more than anyone else in this world? I still missed her up to today. How I wish she was still around to attend my graduation. If only she could have seen my today. "I did it grandma. I did it. I graduated." But I know, somewhere above heaven's doors, she is watching me, and she is proud of what I have achieved so far.
See, this is what I want. This is what I’ve wanted from you. But you failed. You failed after 3 months, what more years to come. I don’t want a someone who is merely a husband. I need someone who would be my friend, my best friend. I think I’ve made the right decision. Going our separate lives is the best option. Perhaps, it would give us time to think about the stupid judgement and decisions we’ve made. It would give us time to heal our broken hearts and to mend our flaws. Its time to judge ourselves, inside out. Let me believe that you’re the one for me. Let me tell myself that I’ve made the right choice and he’s the one that I will truly love. Let us cherish our relationship or more so our friendship. Nothing will change, trust me. We will still be the best of the best. I will still see you from time to time and my doors are always open. Its just that, let’s take it slow. One step at a time. Let this separation be something meaningful to us, both of us.

Do what you like my love. During this time, its best to pursue our dreams. To do something that you’ve always wanted to do but never had a chance to. Its your time to shine. But no matter what you do, always remember that you have someone giving you the fullest support you may ever need.

Sleep well my love. Tonight will be the night where you will have sweet memories of you and me. I know its painful but tomorrow is another day worth living for.

This is my promise to you...

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