Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Long Silence

Most of you may have noticed my long break from blogging. Well yeah, I didn't know what to say then. I had too much going on in my head that I can't seem to express myself. But I think I've grown along the process of thinking, matured a little and along the journey, I had discovered my true self, yeah, its scary but its true and the truth may be ugly sometimes but I had dealt with it pretty well I can say. But how do I sum up, hmm..I think I've done a lot and achieved a lot throughout this process of self discovery.

But what can I say, 2010 was a wild year. It was filled with ups and downs, mostly downs and it was a year of losing. I lost my best friend and my dear uncle. It was sad then, very very sad and I actually had an emotional breakdown when I lost James. Maybe because he was such a dear friend to me, the closest guy friend I had, the one I could share all my girly problems with, gossip with and travel with. But eventually, I had to let him go. Its just that I've never thought he would go this way. I mean, I know, some day, he would fall in love, get married and move on with his life. Or at least that was what I had in mind when I say 'to let him go' but well, GOD loved him even more. I hope he's looking down on us right now, me and his daughter. I always tell his daughter that her daddy is the 'brightest and the biggest star in the sky' and she will get so excited that she would look up at the sky in hopes to see her daddy. And being the adult beside her, I would act amazed and get all excited with her but deep down, my heart is aching. I cry in silence when I see that little girl looking so happy, not knowing what had happened to her daddy, waiting anxiously to see him again. Its almost a year now she's been staying with the neighbours, and still I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. Maybe I'm just afraid of her reaction, will she take it well or will she break into pieces? She looked so fragile, so angelic and so innocent...can't imagine how it would be like to break this little angel's heart.

But speaking of 2010, there were ups as well. One of them was to gain a friend back, a friend I've lost for about 2 years due to my stupidity. But thank god he was kind enough to have forgiven me and rekindle this friendship. But I felt like I've lost out quite a lot over the past years and yet, I don't know how I can gain it or to make up for it now. I don't think he has changed a bit at all over the years. He still looked handsome and young and merrier, I guess. And he smell just as good as 4 years ago. My oh my, his aftershave. The smell of a gentleman. Damn it! I think I could just lie down on his arms the whole day and enjoy the aftershave...

So here we are 2011! Its a new year and a new beginning for me! And I really truly hoped that this year will bring some changes in my life and that I can stay happy or at least be my usual self again. And yeah, I'll be blogging from time to time with my life stories.


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